There should be a book on what not to say to a grieving widow. Seriously.
I was told I'm angry. Yes I'm angry. I've never felt this angry before. The worst part of it all is I have no one to direct the anger at. I'm not angry with the doctors or nurses. They did everything they could for Tin Man. They fought to keep him alive until the end. I'm the one that made the decision to turn off all the machines.
I knew he was gone when I walked into his room that morning. I knew my husband was no longer there. I asked them to turn the machines off to make it easier on us.
Even though they knew he was gone, they were still doing everything they could to keep him alive. I can't blame them.
I don't blame the pre transplant team either. They were able to keep Tin Man alive long enough to get his transplant. The transplant was his only fighting chance to live. Without it, he would have died, and I honestly don't think he would have made it to Christmas.
I don't blame anyone for his death. Everyone was just as devastated as we were, and still are. I'm amazed at the support that we've gotten from the ICU staff, the surgeon, the transplant team, both pre and post. Even now. 5 weeks later.
That morning I made Tin Man a promise that I wouldn't hate him. I don't. I'm angry, but not at him. He put up the fight of his life for 2 weeks before he died. He was determined to be with us, but his body was so battered and tired. I can't even be angry at him.
I'm just angry. I'm angry because I don't have him here. I'm angry because my kids lost their father. I'm angry because I've learned who my true friends are during all this.
I'm angry because I need my time to grieve and I can't. I need to find a job. I can barely bring myself to get out of bed most mornings. Going out and trying to find a job is so hard when you can barely function. Plus the economy in this area is still really bad.
I need to get everything settled and things put in my name. I need to get ready for Warrior's graduation. School's almost out. Summer time means the kids will have a lot of free time. Plus my brother is getting married this summer.
So much I have to do, but so much I don't want to. I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep. Sleep until I wake up from this nightmare. Sleep until it doesn't hurt anymore.
Sleep until I'm not so angry.