Oregon

We made it to Oregon Sunday morning.  Sunday and Monday it rained all day, so the kids were stuck inside.  6 kids.  Let me tell you, I was about to pull my hair out.

I was so happy when the sun was out this morning, and we could get out of the house.  We went for a walk down to one of the beaches.  I haven't been here in 4 years and didn't realize how much I missed it until now. 

The hole in my chest opened up just a little wider today.  I miss Tin Man so much, and standing there looking at this beautiful view all I wanted to do was scream because he wasn't there with me. 

Watching my sister and her husband and their family interact is hard too.  I know this is what we need, but even this is going to require baby steps. 

Spur of the Moment Camping

This last week has been really rough.  Since school's out, we've been home more, and it's hard.  School gave us routine, gave us something to focus on.  Now we don't have that.  So a friend of ours decided we needed a change of scenery, so we had a spur of the moment camping trip at Big Basin.  We rented a tent cabin on Tuesday.  The cabin came with everything we needed, including, firewood, sleeping bags, pillows, a propane stove, pots and pans.  All we had to take was food and anything else we wanted.

It was so pretty up there being surrounded by so many beautiful redwoods.  A change of scenery was exactly what we needed.

The kids had so much fun.  We took a nice, long, relaxing walk just to take in everything.  The kids favorite part was the steak being dropped into the fire, 3 times.  They thought that was hilarious.

My favorite part was relaxing around the fire and not having anything to worry about for a few hours.  Also not having cell service.  I feel naked without my phone, but it was nice not having to explain to people why I'm not in the mood to talk, or even text. 

Saturday the kids and I leave for Oregon to help finish up things for my brother's wedding.  Then we'll be off to South Carolina for a couple of weeks.  Then headed to LA and Disneyland for a few days before heading back home.

My kids are going to be so spoiled this summer between my sister, brother, my mom, my mother in law and the rest of Tin Man's family.  But right now they deserve it.

These birds are pretty, but OMG they are so annoying.

 We found a lot of burned out redwoods on our walk.  Just imagine how huge this one was.

 I love living near the redwoods.  Even the small ones are amazing.

 This tree had 100s of carvings on it.  Warrior carved in Tin Man's name and his birthday and date of death.

 This little guy was all over our campsite.  He even stole some of the graham crackers the kids dropped.

 Woodpecker.  This reminded me of growing up.  My grandma had a bunch of them around her house and we would be woke up ever morning by their pecking.

What IT Really Is

Someone sent this to me not long after Tin Man died.  I had some so called friends telling me I needed to get over it and move on.  They couldn't understand why I was (and still am) so depressed.   They're recently told me that its been 2 months, and wanted to know why it was talking so long.  Seriously?

IT’s been a year; you should be over it. What exactly is “IT?” I’ll tell you what “IT’ is.

• IT is five days after the funeral, Thanksgiving Day, trying to find something to be thankful for.  This year Warrior's birthday is on Thanksgiving.  November will be 7 months.  We now have to find new plans for our Thanksgiving this year.
• IT is Christmas without the merry, and New Year’s without the happy.  Those traditions that Tin Man and I started.  Tin Man was like a little kid at Christmas. Not having him there when the kids open their presents.  Having to play Santa all by myself.
• IT is your first day back to work when every minute you are afraid you will burst into tears. - I've decided that I'm going to hold off until after school starts in August.  I was in absolutely no shape to try to start a job.  I could barely get out of bed and get dressed, there was no way I was going to be able to learn how to do a new job.
• IT is his birthday, but there is no him.  Tin Man's birthday was May 23rd.  A month and 13 days after he passed away.  A day that was supposed to be a celebration that he made it to a year older, instead we sent him a birthday card via Angel Mail.
• IT is Valentine’s Day, only this time the roses are from your children. -  Our Valentine's Day tradition was a letter to each other.  These letters included 1 memory from when we were dating.  1 memory from the first year we were married.  5 memories from all the years we were married, and 5 things we want in our future together.  I have each and every letter he gave me.  All 14 of them.  
•  IT is your birthday, and there is still no him. -  July 14.  No birthday card from him.  No birthday lunch, no waking me up at midnight to give me a birthday kiss.
• IT is April 15 and you sing “filing as surviving spouse” – surviving, yes; living, no. - To far away to even think of right now.
• IT is springtime when everything comes alive except you, that is.- no more picking out flowers for the flower beds.  No more deciding together what we want to plant in the garden.
• IT is Easter and everyone is singing “Let Us Rejoice and Be Glad” – there is no rejoicing and no glad. - Tin Man passed away 2 days after Easter.  He coded and had to have chest compressions the day before Easter.
• IT is Mother’s Day and you sadly remember how happy he was when each child was born. - This Mother's Day was my first without him.  I missed him teasing me about how Father's Day should be before Mother's Day.  How Mother's Day was all by itself and Father's Day was combined with graduations.  You know, Dad's and Grads.
• IT is Father’s Day and your kids spend it with you and there is an empty chair in the room. - Tomorrow.  Tomorrow my kids will send their dad his Father's Day card by Angel Mail.  No hugs.  No kisses.  No "Its Father's Day, its my day to relax" excuses.
• IT is the 4th of July and the job of raising the flag has been passed on to your sons. - No more running all over town so he could find his favorite fireworks.  No more excitement about taking the kids to the parade.  No more sitting on the porch with him watching the neighborhood firework show.
• IT is vacation time and you and your kids go without him - Its not fair!  He should be with us.  It should be us taking the train across country to visit different places.  Not the kids and I headed to my mom's house trying to run away from the memories for a couple of weeks.
• IT is Halloween and you pass out the candy, but the silly dad in the mask is absent. - Tin Man prepared for Halloween months in advanced.  He'd put so much time and effort into the perfect halloween costume.  This year I will be taking the kids trick or treating alone.
• IT is looking at the moon and wondering if he sees the same moon like the two of you always did when apart in the past.  -  Talking to the moon hoping that he can still hear me, but wishing he was with me.
•  IT is receiving that first wedding invitation that is addressed to you and your “guest.” - The wedding invitations started coming not long after Tin Man passed away.  My brother is getting married July 3rd.  I'm excited for him, but I'm scared that I'm going to break down in the middle of it.
• IT is going back into “that” church for the first time and remembering, but not remembering and feeling that all eyes are upon you. - It will be a long time before I can step foot into that church.  Thankfully its 400 miles away.
• IT is going to another funeral for the first time and feeling yourself shaking all over, too distraught to stay, but unable to leave. - I'm praying I don't have to go to another one for a very long time.  I'm not sure I can bring myself to go to one right now.
• IT is doing all the things you always did, plus all the things he always did, and doing it when all your energy has been used for grieving.- Most days I'm impressed I'm up, showered, and dressed.  Not to mention having to do my normal stay at home mom daily chores, but I've had to take on all his too. 
• IT is being strong when you really feel weak. - more like tired of being strong.  I want to fall apart and have him wrap his arms around me and tell me its OK.  I need him more than anything right now, and I'm such a wreck because he's no longer here.
• IT is putting on a pasted smile when you are crying inside and saying you are okay when you really aren’t. - People are constantly telling me I look good.  Not sure what they expect me to look like.  I get up, showered, dressed, and do my make up in hopes that it will make me feel better.  It doesn't.  I look good on the outside, but I'm falling apart on the inside.
• IT is dealing with titles and abstracts and bills and attorneys and doing it very well when all you really want to do is hibernate. - There should be a grieving period.  Everyone/everything should be able to wait for 3 months.  Unfortunately it doesn't.  Having to tell people that Tin Man passed away.  Have to send off copies of the death certificate to prove it.  Having to take his name off everything. 
• IT is a whole big bunch of stuff you didn’t ask for, didn’t want and can’t even give away. - I didn't want this attention.  I didn't want this hurt.  All I wanted was the transplant to make my husband healthy so he could be a normal husband and father again.
• IT is going to the cemetery and seeing the monument with his name, and it hits you in the face that this is real. - Yesterday I finished paying off his headstone.  Having to decide what picture to use for it.  What I wanted it to say.  What I wanted it to look like, what font to use.  I'm 32.  I shouldn't have to figure this out yet!
• IT is feeling like a traitor when you get rid of his personal belongings. - I can't even bring myself to go through his things let alone get rid of anything.
• IT is seeing couples hand in hand and tearfully glancing at the gold band he put on your finger years ago and somehow not being able to take it off. - I'm having a very hard time dealing with couples right now.  I have a couple of friends that are in new relationships and all lovey dovey and rather gross.  I can't stand to see it, let alone see all the pictures of it all over Facebook.  I am happy for them, but its like a punch in the gut too.
• IT is approaching the first anniversary of his death and reliving it all – oh, yes, you are better, but the void is no less. - Its only been 2 months, I can't imagine it being a whole year since he's been gone.
• IT is people forgetting and you cry, and it is people remembering and you cry. - Right now I cry at anything and everything.  Half the time I'm not sure what set me off, but something does and I cry and cry and cry.  Its even worse when you're in public when it hits.
• IT is a future of unknowns and uncertainties and emptiness. - I have a huge empty hole in my chest.  I'm 32.  I'm a widow, and the only parent my kids have left.
• IT is your wedding anniversary, and for the first time you really understand the words, “till death do us part.” - January 24, 1998.  That's the day that I married my best friend.  I still feel like we're married and part of me always will.  The paper work from the Social Security Office says "marriage ended by death."  Those are horrible words.

So maybe when someone tells you that you should be over it by now, you should just tell them what “IT” really is!

Busy Summer

We haven't been on a real vacation in almost 4 years.  We moved here 4 years ago this August, and the following year Tin Man got sick, and couldn't travel.  We did quick trips to Southern California to see family and friends, but nothing over 8 hours away.  Then once he was listed for a transplant, we couldn't go more than 4 hours from the hospital.

This year the kids and I are going on vacation, not like any vacation that we had planned for after Tin Man got his transplant.  This vacation is a healing time away vacation.  First we are going to Oregon for 2 weeks for my brother's wedding.  I'm excited for him, but I'm dreading it too.  I know its going to bring back a lot of memories of our wedding.  I'm so thankful for all the memories, but they make me miss him so much!


Then after Oregon we are going out to my mom's house in South Carolina for a few weeks.  My mom and his fiance have all sorts of things planned for the kids, including Myrtle Beach. 


We're all looking forward to getting away from everything for a while.  We need time to bond as a family and figure out what our new normal is going to be.


This past Tuesday we went to San Francisco.  I felt bad because i haven't been up to doing any of the things I had planned to do with her when she visited.  Granted it was supposed to be sometime this summer, and Tin Man was supposed to be with us.


So a friend of mine decided we were going to take my mom up there and give her the Marsha Tour.  So much fun!  We bypassed the boring areas, got lost, and even ran out of gas.  Sugar Pea's favorite part was eating at Yummy Yummy, a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown.  Warrior's favorite was my friend freaking out when she realized we were running out of gas. 


The Bay Bridge

 Under the bridge

 Sugar Pea loved this arrow

 I love the house/buildings up there

 Golden Gate Bridge 

 Alcatraz in the background

 Gorgeous views.  Coit tower in the background

 Lombard St.  This was Tin Man's favorite part about San Francisco.  We had to make a trip down it just for him.

 Trolly

 The view looking up when we ran out of gas

 Chinatown Lanterns

 I thought this thing was neat

 Love the Chinatown street lights

 Chinatown

Wordless Wednesday - Warrior's New Friend

Warrior made a new friend

Knowing What Happened

ON Wednesday I went back up to Stanford,g this time to sit down with the surgeon and heart transplant nurse practitioner to go over the results of the autopsy. This was the 2nd hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I'm so thankful to finally have some answers as to what happened, but also because I know that Tin Man's death taught them a few things that will help others in the future.  I still wish I could have him here with me, but knowing that they learned something from his death gives me some peace.  I now feel that Tin Man's death wasn't for nothing.  That something good, did come out of it. 

One thing I realized that day is just how much of an impact Tin Man had on these 2 people, who are part of heart transplants all the time.  The surgeon had to take a couple of moments to get himself under control and not cry.  The NP was crying.  I've loved these 2 people from the start, as I do everyone that had been involved with Tin Man from the first appointment at Stanford.  They became like part of our family, but I never realized just how much we became part of their family until Tin Man died.  8 weeks later these 2 people are still having a hard time with it and were so worried about how the kids and I were holding up.  I am and always will be so thankful for all the amazing people that were part of Tin Man's care, and I do and hope to keep in touch with some of them in the future.

They also offered to sit down with the kids whenever I need, and also because Warrior wants to become a surgeon, they told me they would do whatever they can to help him continue on that path, and would let me know about any camps and things coming up for it. 

Sitting down to find out what exactly caused my husband's death was the 2nd hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I'm thankful that I had the option and I know what happened and that it will help others in the future. If I can save someone from having to go through what I went through, then signing to give them permission for the autopsy was all worth it.

Wordless Wednesday - Mustaches

Sugar Peas and I had some fun at Claires.

Last Day of School

Friday was the last day of school.  I can't believe this school year is over already.  I am now the mom of a freshman in high school and a 5th grader!

This summer we are going to Oregon for my brother's wedding and to South Carolina for a few weeks.  We need to get away the 3 of us.  We need to grieve, bond, and start the healing process. 

Warrior's Graduation

Thursday Warrior graduated from 8th grade.  It was a very hard day for all of us.

The day did not start out good.  The social worker from Stanford called wanting to know if I was able to go up that morning to sit down with the surgeon to get the autopsy results.  I told her Robbie was graduating that afternoon and I refused to ruin  the day.  So I have to wait until Monday to find out when everyone is available to sit down and talk.

Then Warrior's plans for after school were changed, which he made sure everyone knew he was not happy about it.  Thankfully after he found out what the surprise was, he was calm and enjoyed himself.  Some parents in the class got a limo for all the boys.  They rode around town in it, and had a pre graduation party in it.  Thankfully that was what Warrior needed to calm down and relax and enjoy the rest of the night.

Graduation was great.  I cried throughout it because Tin Man wasn't there with us and we had an empty seat in our row which was a huge reminder.  There was a memorial tribute to the 3 parents that have died over the last 6 years from that class.  Which was very sweet, but hard to see Tin Man on it.

Overall graduation was really nice.  The teachers talked to each of the kids (only 28 of them) and what they enjoyed the most about each of them.  Then the kids got up and thanked the parents for supporting them through their school years.

Warrior's speech was something like "I want to thank my mom and everyone else for buying me things, being there for me, but especially all the support they've given me in the last few months.  I love you guys!"  He said he felt bad that he didn't mention his dad, but he knew he wouldn't be able to do it without crying.  I told him it was ok, and that dad was there with us and he was so very proud of him.

The thought of summer vacation scares me.  I'm not emotionally or mentally ready for this.