Friday, September 25, 2015

Guilt or No Guilt

Guilt has become a big part of my life.  Over the last 3 years its become easier to deal with, but its no where near easy.

Movies and TV shows give us an idea of what taking a loved one off life support is like.


It took me 10 minutes to force myself to say those words out loud.  To tell them to stop everything and to remove Tin Man from life support.  That is probably the hardest decision I will ever have to make.

Even now 3 years later the guilt eats away at me.  Its not as bad as it was, but its still there.  I know I made the right decision.  In my head I know this.  Now my heart feels differently.  My heart is screaming that when I went to the hospital that morning he was alive.  When I left the hospital he was dead because of a decision I made.

Trying to get my head and my heart on the same page wasn't easy.  And even once they came close to the same page, my heart still wants to remind me of that.

But the guilt is from more than just that decision.  I have some amazing people in my life now.  Amazing friends I can't imagine not being in my life.  The only thing is, I met these people because Tin Man died.  I met them on a website for widows.  I met them through FB groups for widows.

I can't have it both ways.  I can't have Tin Man back and have them in my life.  So I feel guilty because I'd give up everything to have him back.  I'd give up their friendships to have my normal back.

The same goes for being here in South Carolina.  I love it here.  I hated California with a passion.  I'm happy here, I'm off my depression meds here.  I feel somewhat normal.  I'm not being stared at and pointed at.  People here don't treat me like I have some sort of contagious disease.

So the guilt creeps in.  I'm only here because Tin Man died.

The guilt is easier to deal with, but its still there.  I'm learning to live with it one day at a time.

I know people on the outside can't understand what this is like.  You're the lucky ones.  Be happy this is all confusing.  Hug your other half a little tighter tonight.  Let them know how much they mean to you.

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