I'm Not A Perfect Mom

When I lived in California I had some so called friends, The Perfects, that thought they were better than everyone.

You know the kind, the ones with the perfect children, no matter what they did wrong.  The ones who think their parenting style is the correct one, and everyone else isn't doing it correctly.  The ones that have no problem telling you that you're doing it wrong.

Yeah I had those friends.  They criticized everything.  Not just parenting styles, but what kind of wife I was.  Looking back now, I honestly don't know why I kept them in my life as long as I did.  I've been free of them for over a year, and I can say I haven't missed them at all.

Taking with a friend I grew up with, I have come to the conclusion that we all have one of those parents in our lives.  Sometimes they are closer than others.

College Lacrosse Scrimmages

This weekend my son's high school hosted a 3 team college lacrosse scrimmage.

Warrior has been looking forward to this for weeks.  Not just the chance to watch 3 college teams play lacrosse, FOR FREE.  But during the 2nd game, the team not playing held a clinic for the Varsity and JV teams.

Warrior got to work with 7 goalies and the goalie coach.  He got to ask questions, have them critique his performance, and ask their tips to better certain things.

I LOVE WHAT I DO!

Its been a long time since I've been able to say this, but I LOVE WHAT I DO!  I can't believe its taken me this long to discover the awesomeness that is Pink Zebra!

What do I love?

The Sprinkles.  SO many to choose from, but because they are in Sprinkle form, you can mix and match the scents to create new ones.

My favorite scent was Just Peachy, until I mixed it with Vanilla Creme.

Even without warming them, they still smell amazing.   I took an unmatched sock and filled it with Stone Washed Denim Sprinkles and tossed it into Warrior's lacrosse bag.  Now his bag smells like clean laundry instead of sweaty teenage boy.

Soaks.  You can also get Pink Zebra Soaks.  They smell just as great and work great for those areas where you don't have a lot of extra room.  Or access to an electrical outlet.  I have a Pink Zebra Go Card hanging in my car.  Sugar Pea and Warrior both took one to hang in their lockers at school.

Pink Zebra also sells Naked Reed (reed diffusers).  These work great in the bathroom, or as a quick room pick me up for the guest room.

Even better with Soaks is starting on Monday, October 26th, you can buy lotion to add the Soaks to!  I've been waiting for this for weeks.

Shades.  Some people are happy with the Simmering Lights just the way they are.  Others, like me, enjoy covering them up with different Shades.  One of my favorite Shades is the the DIY Shade.  Print out a favorite picture and you have a unique Shade!  These make great gifts for the grandparents, or an end of the season gift for the favorite coaches in your life.

There are even manly scents and Shades.


What's your favorite Shade?  What Sprinkle would you love to try?

Glass Beads + Nail Polish

I love crafts.

So of course I volunteered to come up with some craft ideas for a craft bazaar at church.

I needed to come up with something that would be easy for the kids to do.

After scouring Pinterest for ideas.  I found the well known glass bead magnets.

I decided to change it up a little and use some old nail polish I found in a box.

Then I decided to try adding some glitter ones to the mix

Then the kids decided they wanted to make some Donate Life to send to some fellow Donate Life volunteers.  These we plan on making into magnets, push pins, and paperclips.  

What is your favorite Pinterest find craft?

Danny Gokey Speaks To Me

I saw Danny Gokey perform Tell Your Heart to Beat Again one day. about a year after Tin Man died.  I felt like he was reading my mind.  Then I remembered, he was.

On July 9, 2008, four weeks before he auditioned for American Idol, Gokey's wife died from complications during her third surgery to treat her congenital heart disease. The couple had been together for 12 years, and Gokey credited her for his success. - Wikipedia

Tin Man was born with a congenital heart defect called Transposition of the Great Arteries (TGA).  In January 2012 we celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary.  Just 2 months before his transplant and 3 months before he passed away.

That song helped me in so many ways.  Some one finally put what I was feeling into words, but was also telling me that it was ok for me to live and to be happy.  The first part of the song speaks volumes about anyone who has lost a spouse.

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

I am not who I used to be.  A huge part of me died when Tin Man did.  I had to search deep within me to put my heart back together and to begin to figure out who I was from that point on.  I still haven't completely figured it all out, but then again, who has?


Then last year I heard his song Hope in Front of Me.

I was in the process of getting ready to move and having to go through all of Tin Man's things and decide what we should get rid of and what to keep.  This ripped open a lot of wounds I thought were healed.

One day while taking the kids to school this song came on.  I had to pull over because I was crying so hard.  I'm pretty sure my kids thought I was having a nervous breakdown.

I went home to look up the song.  I listened to it over and over.  I thought I had made it out of the darkness, but having to get rid of Tin Man's things sucked me back in.  I was depressed and felt like I was falling farther back instead of making any progress forward.

I've been running through rain
That I thought would never end
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind
I've seen the dark and the broken places
But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I'll be alright

This song reminded me that no matter what I was feeling at that point, things would get better.  I just needed to work my way through the darkness towards the light.

Now.  A year and a few months later, I am good.  I still have things to work on, and certain things still bring on the tears, but I have way more good days that I used to.

Both of these songs can have so many meanings, but knowing that his story behind the pain in both the songs is so similar to mine, it brought the songs so much more meaning to me.


These are still 2 of the most played songs in my playlists, but now I listen to them to remind myself of how far I have come and how strong I really am.

Guilt or No Guilt

Guilt has become a big part of my life.  Over the last 3 years its become easier to deal with, but its no where near easy.

Movies and TV shows give us an idea of what taking a loved one off life support is like.

THEY ARE WRONG!

It took me 10 minutes to force myself to say those words out loud.  To tell them to stop everything and to remove Tin Man from life support.  That is probably the hardest decision I will ever have to make.

Pink Zebra and My Why?

I joined Pink Zebra and one of the first steps in training was asking why,  Why did I join?


My answers were easy.

• To be able to bring in extra money to help with household expenses. 
• To be able to buy the kids what they want and need, without trying to work it into a budget.
• To not have to ask for help.  This is one of the most embarrassing things for me, is to ask for help.  
• To be able to pay off the rest of my debts in a reasonable time.  

Then I realized I had more whys that weren't money related.

Death and a Picture

This picture was taken in September 2011.  Just 6 months before Tin Man's transplant, and just 7 months before he died.

We were at the Donate Life 5K.  Its one of my favorite pictures of them. Even though he was having a hard time that day, he was still so excited to be there.  (and way to stubborn to let us push him in a wheelchair)  It took us a loooong time to finish the 5K because we had to take breaks so he could rest, but he was so excited that he finished it.

This picture was taken
the day her received
the call for his new heart.

This is what I want my kids to remember.  I want them to remember the good times.  Those nerdy moments Tin Man had.  The humor.  The stubbornness.  The man he was.

1st Week of School Done

We are done with our first week of school.  Other than traffic issues with Sugar Pea's school, everything went by smoothly.

Warrior is a senior this year!!!!  OMG I can't believe he's almost done with high school.  It makes me sad because there's so much going on this year.  So much going on that his dad isn't here for.  

Sugar Pea is in 8th grade. I can't believe my little girl is almost in high school.  Not to mention she's about 6 inches taller than her mom too.  

Trying To Save What We Have Left

I have had a few emails asking about what's going on and what the link on twitter is about.

Long story short, the moving company I used to move from California to South Carolina quoted me one price, but then added another $1600 to the price.  

When they came to the house and loaded up everything they quoted me at one price.  I payed $1000 of it then, and was supposed to pay the other $1500 when they unloaded the truck in South Carolina.  Once I found a storage place, I called them to give them the address.  I was then told I was over weight and it was going to cost another $1600 on top of the $1500 I still owed them.  I was quoted the price on how many square feet my belongings were, not weight.  Even the contract says sq ft.  

They then offered me storage for $99 a month until I could come up with the extra money.   I knew it was going to take some time because I was also having to come up with the money for deposit on a place to live.  So I had everything put in storage.

Missing My Kiddos

My kids have been in Florida with Tin Man's mom and brother for the last week.

I miss them so much, and this is really the first time I have been away from them for more than a night or 2 since Tin Man died.  I may not be handling it as well as I thought I would.

I can't wait until Thursday night when I get to pick them up from the airport.

Just before they went through security.  This was 5:30 in the morning.

What Advice Would I Give?

I have had people ask me what advice I would give to their friend's cousin's bestfriend's sister who just lost their husband.

You know, since apparently I'm a pro at being widowed.

Honestly, I don't know what I would say.  Nothing you can say can make it better.


Yes it gets easier, but at that time you think/feel like everyone is lying to you.  So constantly hearing it does get easier only makes you more and more angry.

Normal Kids

We went to the lake with some friends on Wednesday.

The kids had a blast playing in the water, fishing, and kayaking.

They were normal kids having fun on a normal summer day.


Until someone decided to make a comment.


I have learned how to handle the comments and the weird questions.

My kids not so much.  So while my friend commented on how normal my kids were and that its great that they can still be 16 and 12 and not seem to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, this brought up a few questions by some women in our area.


We had been talking for awhile.  One woman was on vacation from Delaware.  The others were local.  I don't usually start with Hi.  I'm a widow.  So when people do find out, some are a little surprised. I get the "you're to young" or my favorite "do you know what a widow is?"

Yes.  A widow is someone who's spouse died.  Widows come in all ages, and yes I know I was young.  I was 32 when my husband died.  It still doesn't change it.

My kids are the same way, they don't lead off conversations with their dad died.  So when they came back up to get something to drink, the Delaware woman told them they were so well adjusted and seemed like normal kids.


Both kids just stared at her.  Neither one knew what to say, or really understood why a stranger would say something.  They got their drinks and asked if they could go back to the water.

Then Delaware looks at me and asks, "did I say something wrong?"

Let me see, where do I start?

Yes my kids are normal.  That was my first priority after my husband died.  I wanted my kids to be kids.  They were 13 and 9.  They were still children and they needed to stay children as long as possible.

My kids are well adjusted because I had an amazing person to raise them with, a person that had the same ideas I did when it came to raising children, manners, and discipline.  Them being well adjusted doesn't have anything to do with anything other than that.

Are you wondering how my kids aren't little sociopaths because their dad died?  That's because I helped them to understand their grief.  I helped them to work their way through their emotions, and I made sure they never felt they should be guilty for the emotions they had.  (anger is one that can bring a lot of guilt with ti). I also made sure they knew that I was going through the same thing.

My kids were in therapy.  Just so they had someone to talk to.  They knew they could always come to me no matter what, but I thought they also needed someone to talk to that didn't break down in tears all the time.


So yes, Ms Delaware, my kids have been through hell and back, but even so they are still just normal kids.

1 Year No Bullying

I realized today that it has been 1 year since we haven't had to deal with bullying.

1 very peaceful year.

We dealt with the bullying from the time Sugar Pea was in 2nd grade until we moved after the end of 6th grade.

5 years dealing with not only the bullying from the children, but also from the parents.

The bullying started out about Sugar Pea's freckles and her being white (90% of the town was Hispanic).  Then went to Tin Man being sick and Sugar Pea was going to spread his cooties.   After Tin Man died, it got 10 times worse, and the parents were nasty.

The school tried to deal with it, but in the end they pretty much gave up.  The parents were putting it all on Sugar Pea.  She's too sensitive and needs to toughen up.  She needs to get over it (it being her dad's death) and move on.  The school was in need of the money, so they wouldn't suspend the kids, and the "detentions" they got weren't punishments.

These 2 main bullies had most of the class scared.  If they were friends with Sugar Pea, they were treated horribly.

It got to the point I contacted a lawyer.  My child was beginning to hate school and hate herself.  Even after talking with the lawyer, I decided it was time to leave.  Which is one of the main reasons why we moved from California to South Carolina.


I can't believe the huge change in Sugar Pea in this last year.  She's happy, smiley, and has so much confidence.  She has a lot of friends, and constantly wanting to be drove to hang out with them.  Her teachers even told me they noticed a big change in her from the first day of school to the last.  She even got an award for biggest improvement, both schoolwork and attitude.

Everyday that I look at her and see her blossoming and being the girl I know was hidden deep down inside, lets me know that I made the right decision by moving us here.

Father's Day

As you would assume, Father's Day in our house is tremendously hard. Not just the day itself, but the weeks leading up to it. The stores bring out their Father's Day marketing things. Its mentioned on every commercial break on almost every channel.

Then the day arrives and its nothing but Father's Day wishes to all the dad's.

This is the norm for all the normal households.

We aren't normal.

Our Father's Day was spent crying, remembering, and questioning why Tin Man isn't here.

Its spent wishing the clock would move faster. That we could sleep until the following morning.


I have looked up ideas to make the day easier on the kids, but nothing really works. How can it? They want their dad. They want to be able to give their dad a card. Make him breakfast in bed. Spend the day doing whatever with him.

Instead they are constantly reminded that he died and they can't have the Father's Day norm.



I know only people in our situation, the families who lost a father, understand, but I do wish other's would at least try to understand that telling my children "Your dad is always with you, no matter where you are." IT DOES NOT HELP! They are children. They want their dad here with them. They want their dad to watch their lacrosse games. To take her to the Father/Daughter dance. To be the one to man the grill during BBQs.

No matter what I do, no matter what anyone suggests, it won't change the fact that they want nothing more than to have their dad back.

Wordless Wednesday - Johns Hopkins

I have to brag.  Warrior has been invited to tour Johns Hopkins and Notre Dame. 

He's torn between both of them.  For pre med/med school and lacrosse.

Bucket List

After Tin Man was listed for his transplant, he came up with a bucket list he wanted to do after he recovered from his transplant.

Some included

• drive a monster truck
• visit New York City again
• NASCAR speedways

Even though he wasn't able to do anything on his list, we were able to have his picture posted in a monster truck during a show.   And we had his photo on the Donate Life car at the Charlotte Motor Speedway.


After he died, the kids and I decided to come up with our own bucket lists.  Both as a family, and as individuals. We made the rule that our family bucket list doesn't stop when the kids turn 18.  We still have to get together once a year to check off at least 1 item.

Family Bucket

• Grand Canyon (again)
• Petrified Forest
• Disney World
• Cruise
• New York City
• Washington DC
• Mount Rushmore
• Yellowstone
• Yosemite (again)
• Take train across country
• Deep sea fishing
• Visit London
• Machu Picchu
• Major League Lacrosse game
• Own chickens

As we think about things they are added to the list.  

Think Before You Speak!

Its been a little over 3 years since Tin Man died. After 3 years you'd think I'd be a pro at the dead husband speech. I'm not. Its not so much the speech itself as it is the looks. The you're not old enough to have a dead husband look. Although the looks aren't nearly bad as the questions. "How is it possible? You're so young?" But as bad as those are, nothing is as bad as the "I understand what you're going through." comments. Unless your husband died, YOU HAVE NO IDEA! There is a huge difference between being divorced and widowed. Your children still have their dad. You're children can call and visit their dad. Mine can't call their dad, and to visit their dad they have to go to a cemetery. I don't have my husband. I can't argue with him. I haven't heard his voice in over 3 years. I just wish people would think before they speak!

40 Years Old Forever 36

Today would have been Tin Man's 40th birthday.

I had so many things planned for this day.  The cake.  The party.  The announcements around town.

Instead I had to pay the cemetery to put flowers and balloons on his grave.

He's forever 36.

Jamberry Giveaway

I was introduced to Jamberry Nails a few months ago.  I was instantly hooked.

I love how easy they are to apply and that they last for up to 2 weeks on your fingers and up to 6 weeks on your toes.   Not to mention NO DRYING TIME!

I am constantly on the go between taking kids to school, sports, or Girl Scouts.  Plus I'm also taking my mom to appointments and errands she needs to do.  I don't have time to sit and wait for my nails to dry most days.

It takes about 15 minutes to apply, and each $15 sheet can do 2 manicures and 2 pedicures.

There is also the option of hosting a party to receive free or discounted items.  What better way to expose your friends and family to a great product, and get free things in the process??


I fell in love with them so much I decided to become a Jamberry Independent Consultant.

And I thought, what better way than to celebrate with a giveaway!


Enter to win a free design of your choice!

Also for the month of May, the person that spends the most will win a heater and their choice of wraps.


a Rafflecopter giveaway