Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Someone to Talk To

It took me a while to find a therapist that my kids would open up to. Warrior has always made sure he's the center of attention in a room. So I never expected it to be so hard to find him someone he was comfortable talking to. Sugar Pea loves the attention, but hates talking to people she doesn't know, so I knew it would be a challenge to get her to open up to anyone.

Finally found someone (after many people) that they both liked and both actually talked to. The last appointment we went to she spent the last 10 minutes talking to me. She thought so highly of herself that she felt the need to point out things in my life that she thought were hurting my kids.

Like us having someone living in our garage apartment. He's a friend of Tin Man's from long before we met or started dating. I wasn't to thrilled when he brought up the idea of having HIM move in, but I gave in. He was so excited to have his friend back and living close to him that I thought it would be good for him, and I put my uncomfortable feelings aside. I would love nothing more to tell him he needs to get out, but I hate to say it but I feel safer knowing he's out there. There's been a lot of break ins in the area, so as much as I hate to say it, I'm glad he's out there. The rules have changed since Tin Man died, and he's not welcome in my house and he knows if he breaks even one of the rules he's out.

Another thing that bothered me was she thought I should flood the walls with pictures right away. I seen how they reacted to asking them if they wanted to hang up the collages in their rooms. I felt after that, they needed to be the ones to decide when they wanted to hang the pictures up. I had a lot of things forced onto me after my dad died and I didn't want to do that to my kids. I wanted them to be able to heal at their own pace and not a pace I set for them.

She also told me that I gave my kids to much information and that I most likely scarred them for life. I was honest with my kids from the beginning. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, we weren't told. We over heard adults talking and found out that way. It took them several months to finally tell us, and even then they didn't tell us much and would avoid our questions. So of course our imaginations filled in the blanks. I wasn't going to do that to my kids. I was honest with them from the beginning. I also sat them down and prepared them for any complications he might have after his transplant. Granted this outcome wasn't something we talked about. I never imagined we would end up here. I knew he would have some complications, but he'd be fine in the end.

I hadn't planned on telling them what exactly happened the morning he died. I didn't want to tell them that I took Tin Man off life support because I didn't want them thinking I killed their dad. Unfortunately his mom forced me into telling them because she started accusing me of murdering him. Yeah the woman is beyond nuts.

I was worried about what she might have said to to the kids so I sat them down and told them what happened. Other than having to tell them their dad died, it was one of the hardest conversations I've had to have with my kids. Thankfully they both understood and both of them told me I did the right thing.

After that meeting with the therapist, I decided it was the last. I was so angry I couldn't see straight. She was supposed to be there to help my kids and not force her opinions on them or me. So that was the last visit, followed by many many angry phone calls.

Warrior decided he was ok and didn't need or want therapy anymore. Sugar Pea has issues opening up to people about certain things, so she didn't want to go either. I figured I'd give them their time and if they decided they did want to talk to someone, I'd go from there.

Warrior's biology class is learning about the heart and circulatory system, so he asked if he could take in the 2 newspaper articles about Tin Man's death. Both of the articles explain what kind of heart defect he was born with and also about the reverse blood flow. He thought his teacher would like to read about it, but also give him a better idea of why this lesson has been so hard for him. Warrior called me crying asking me to come pick him up because he couldn't calm down. When I got there his biology teacher looked scared. He kept apologizing and told me all he did was ask a few questions and Warrior broke down. I assured him that it wasn't his fault, that this has been building up and unfortunately he was just in the crossfire when it finally came out.

His teacher felt horrible that he was so upset but felt honored that Warrior wanted to show him the articles. He also told him that when he's ready he would like for him to talk to the class about Tin Man. He also told Warrior that if he needs me to be there with him for support, then that's ok with him.

On the way home he told me he wants to find someone else to talk to. I made a few phone calls yesterday, but last night I started thinking about going a different route. One of Sugar Pea's best friend's dad is a minister and told me after Tin Man's memorial service that if the kids ever needed someone to talk to he'd be glad to sit down with them. At first the kids weren't to thrilled with that idea. They didn't like the idea of having to talk to someone they know about things so personal.

I brought it up as a suggestion last night and both of them want to give it a shot. They are finally past the point of caring what other people think and realizing that what they are going through is normal.

I hate seeing my kids hurt so much and not being able to do anything to take the pain away. You're not supposed to lose your parents when you're young. That's supposed to happen when you're old.

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