Sunday, November 4, 2012

Thankful and Sad

With all the "I'm Thankful For ..." posts starting on Facebook, I look back at the last year.

A year ago I never imagined myself in this position.  Never imagined myself alone.

Where did I see myself.  Still waiting.

When Tin Man was listed for his transplant, we were told that because of his size and his blood type that they figured a 2 to 3 year wait for a new heart, but were leaning towards 3 years.  Not 15 months.

Even so, I never imagined myself as a widow.  Yes we knew the risks, but we chose to look at the positive side of transplant.

We chose to believe that transplant would give us a new beginning.

We never imagined it would be the start of a nightmare.

So its hard for me to come up with things I'm thankful for.  Things that people would want to hear.

I'm thankful I didn't have a meltdown at the grocery store today, or I'm thankful I didn't have to explain where Tin Man is today aren't things people are thinking of when they think of the thankful FB posts.

Unfortunately this is my life.  No matter how hard I try to see the positive sides, they all lead back to Tin Man not being here.

Next year it will be easier for me to come up with more people friendly things.  Until then I'll just be thankful in silence.


  1. There are many of us out there who understand just making it through a day is a success. Thank you for your post.

  2. I feel your pain. When I was 33 my husband died of a failed heart transplant. Then, emptiness. Time truly does heal but the beauty remains. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. It is the only healthy way to continue on . I care.

  3. pI am so terribly sorry of your loss--I cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through. I found your name on a blog hop and joined on GFC, then I started really reading your posts and now I'm just blown away by what you have been through. And yet here you are, staying strong for your family and blogging still---you are an amazing woman!

  4. Are you thankful Q didn't expose you and your lies to everyone?

    You should be.

    And yes, we knew about this blog all along and the fact that your apology was complete BS.

    i wonder how confused your daughter was when you made her keep changing her clothes and wearing glasses so you could take pictures and photoshop them together to share photos of your twins with us.


    1. Yes I am very thankful for it. I have tried to find another way, a way that I don't sound like a rambling idiot to apologize and I cant.

      I was wrong. I hurt a bunch of people and if I could I would go back and change it. I have talked to my therapist a lot about this because I feel so guilty. I was drowning and reached out for a way to feel in control. Does it make it right, no. Do I expect anyone to understand, no.

      I could say I'm sorry a million times and I wouldn't expect anyone to forgive me. I don't deserve it. I could explain until I'm blue in the face my reasons and I wouldn't expect anyone to understand.

      I wish I could go back and change it all.

      I'm sorry doesn't cut it, but there isn't anything I say that can make this right.


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