Danny Gokey Speaks To Me

I saw Danny Gokey perform Tell Your Heart to Beat Again one day. about a year after Tin Man died.  I felt like he was reading my mind.  Then I remembered, he was.

On July 9, 2008, four weeks before he auditioned for American Idol, Gokey's wife died from complications during her third surgery to treat her congenital heart disease. The couple had been together for 12 years, and Gokey credited her for his success. - Wikipedia

Tin Man was born with a congenital heart defect called Transposition of the Great Arteries (TGA).  In January 2012 we celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary.  Just 2 months before his transplant and 3 months before he passed away.

That song helped me in so many ways.  Some one finally put what I was feeling into words, but was also telling me that it was ok for me to live and to be happy.  The first part of the song speaks volumes about anyone who has lost a spouse.

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

I am not who I used to be.  A huge part of me died when Tin Man did.  I had to search deep within me to put my heart back together and to begin to figure out who I was from that point on.  I still haven't completely figured it all out, but then again, who has?


Then last year I heard his song Hope in Front of Me.

I was in the process of getting ready to move and having to go through all of Tin Man's things and decide what we should get rid of and what to keep.  This ripped open a lot of wounds I thought were healed.

One day while taking the kids to school this song came on.  I had to pull over because I was crying so hard.  I'm pretty sure my kids thought I was having a nervous breakdown.

I went home to look up the song.  I listened to it over and over.  I thought I had made it out of the darkness, but having to get rid of Tin Man's things sucked me back in.  I was depressed and felt like I was falling farther back instead of making any progress forward.

I've been running through rain
That I thought would never end
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind
I've seen the dark and the broken places
But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I'll be alright

This song reminded me that no matter what I was feeling at that point, things would get better.  I just needed to work my way through the darkness towards the light.

Now.  A year and a few months later, I am good.  I still have things to work on, and certain things still bring on the tears, but I have way more good days that I used to.

Both of these songs can have so many meanings, but knowing that his story behind the pain in both the songs is so similar to mine, it brought the songs so much more meaning to me.


These are still 2 of the most played songs in my playlists, but now I listen to them to remind myself of how far I have come and how strong I really am.

Guilt or No Guilt

Guilt has become a big part of my life.  Over the last 3 years its become easier to deal with, but its no where near easy.

Movies and TV shows give us an idea of what taking a loved one off life support is like.

THEY ARE WRONG!

It took me 10 minutes to force myself to say those words out loud.  To tell them to stop everything and to remove Tin Man from life support.  That is probably the hardest decision I will ever have to make.

Death and a Picture

This picture was taken in September 2011.  Just 6 months before Tin Man's transplant, and just 7 months before he died.

We were at the Donate Life 5K.  Its one of my favorite pictures of them. Even though he was having a hard time that day, he was still so excited to be there.  (and way to stubborn to let us push him in a wheelchair)  It took us a loooong time to finish the 5K because we had to take breaks so he could rest, but he was so excited that he finished it.

This picture was taken
the day her received
the call for his new heart.

This is what I want my kids to remember.  I want them to remember the good times.  Those nerdy moments Tin Man had.  The humor.  The stubbornness.  The man he was.

Normal Kids

We went to the lake with some friends on Wednesday.

The kids had a blast playing in the water, fishing, and kayaking.

They were normal kids having fun on a normal summer day.


Until someone decided to make a comment.


I have learned how to handle the comments and the weird questions.

My kids not so much.  So while my friend commented on how normal my kids were and that its great that they can still be 16 and 12 and not seem to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, this brought up a few questions by some women in our area.


We had been talking for awhile.  One woman was on vacation from Delaware.  The others were local.  I don't usually start with Hi.  I'm a widow.  So when people do find out, some are a little surprised. I get the "you're to young" or my favorite "do you know what a widow is?"

Yes.  A widow is someone who's spouse died.  Widows come in all ages, and yes I know I was young.  I was 32 when my husband died.  It still doesn't change it.

My kids are the same way, they don't lead off conversations with their dad died.  So when they came back up to get something to drink, the Delaware woman told them they were so well adjusted and seemed like normal kids.


Both kids just stared at her.  Neither one knew what to say, or really understood why a stranger would say something.  They got their drinks and asked if they could go back to the water.

Then Delaware looks at me and asks, "did I say something wrong?"

Let me see, where do I start?

Yes my kids are normal.  That was my first priority after my husband died.  I wanted my kids to be kids.  They were 13 and 9.  They were still children and they needed to stay children as long as possible.

My kids are well adjusted because I had an amazing person to raise them with, a person that had the same ideas I did when it came to raising children, manners, and discipline.  Them being well adjusted doesn't have anything to do with anything other than that.

Are you wondering how my kids aren't little sociopaths because their dad died?  That's because I helped them to understand their grief.  I helped them to work their way through their emotions, and I made sure they never felt they should be guilty for the emotions they had.  (anger is one that can bring a lot of guilt with ti). I also made sure they knew that I was going through the same thing.

My kids were in therapy.  Just so they had someone to talk to.  They knew they could always come to me no matter what, but I thought they also needed someone to talk to that didn't break down in tears all the time.


So yes, Ms Delaware, my kids have been through hell and back, but even so they are still just normal kids.

Father's Day

As you would assume, Father's Day in our house is tremendously hard. Not just the day itself, but the weeks leading up to it. The stores bring out their Father's Day marketing things. Its mentioned on every commercial break on almost every channel.

Then the day arrives and its nothing but Father's Day wishes to all the dad's.

This is the norm for all the normal households.

We aren't normal.

Our Father's Day was spent crying, remembering, and questioning why Tin Man isn't here.

Its spent wishing the clock would move faster. That we could sleep until the following morning.


I have looked up ideas to make the day easier on the kids, but nothing really works. How can it? They want their dad. They want to be able to give their dad a card. Make him breakfast in bed. Spend the day doing whatever with him.

Instead they are constantly reminded that he died and they can't have the Father's Day norm.



I know only people in our situation, the families who lost a father, understand, but I do wish other's would at least try to understand that telling my children "Your dad is always with you, no matter where you are." IT DOES NOT HELP! They are children. They want their dad here with them. They want their dad to watch their lacrosse games. To take her to the Father/Daughter dance. To be the one to man the grill during BBQs.

No matter what I do, no matter what anyone suggests, it won't change the fact that they want nothing more than to have their dad back.

Think Before You Speak!

Its been a little over 3 years since Tin Man died. After 3 years you'd think I'd be a pro at the dead husband speech. I'm not. Its not so much the speech itself as it is the looks. The you're not old enough to have a dead husband look. Although the looks aren't nearly bad as the questions. "How is it possible? You're so young?" But as bad as those are, nothing is as bad as the "I understand what you're going through." comments. Unless your husband died, YOU HAVE NO IDEA! There is a huge difference between being divorced and widowed. Your children still have their dad. You're children can call and visit their dad. Mine can't call their dad, and to visit their dad they have to go to a cemetery. I don't have my husband. I can't argue with him. I haven't heard his voice in over 3 years. I just wish people would think before they speak!

40 Years Old Forever 36

Today would have been Tin Man's 40th birthday.

I had so many things planned for this day.  The cake.  The party.  The announcements around town.

Instead I had to pay the cemetery to put flowers and balloons on his grave.

He's forever 36.

Maybe I'm Not OK

I requested Tin Man's medical records almost a year ago.  I hadn't heard anything about them, so I was very surprised when they were delivered today.  Not to mention I wasn't expecting 2 large boxes.  I haven't opened both of them, just the first one, which contains 13 reams of paper.   The 2nd box is just as heavy. 

I thought I was ok, but I'm finding out I'm not as ok as I thought I was.   Seeing these large boxes of medical records put a visual perspective on just how bad things really were. 

First Year vs Secon Year

After Tin Mn died everyone talked about how awful the "firsts" were.  The first birthday.  The first Christmas.  The first anniversary.

Some even went as far as to say that once the "firsts" were over, everything got easier.  Easier became something I looked forward to.  Something I needed.  I needed my life, and my emotions, to be easier again.

Let me tell you something.  THEY LIED!


The first year wasn't easy, and to be honest, I don't remember a whole lot.  Bits a pieces, some memories are blurred, and others are like looking through a fog.

That's because that's how most of the first year is.  At the beginning you're on auto pilot.  You're numb, have the attention span of a pea, and just doing normal routine because that's all you can do.

At some point the numbness wears off.  In its place is this intense heart shattering pain.  A pain that I had never felt before, and one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I think that pain will always be with me, but you learn to live with it, which numbs it some.  Some days it hurts worse than others.  Some days its just a small reminder lurking just out of reach.


Once we hit the 1 year mark of his death, I thought I was home free.  Easier was supposed to happen.  I was supposed to wake up and life would be easier.  I mean that's what everyone suggested.  That once we were over all the "firsts" everything would be fine.

Nope.  I had to experience all those moments all over again.  Only this time I felt each and every one of them.

It was like the firsts were just practice and now I was in the game.  I have, and still am, going through all these "firsts" but now I get to feel the pain of him not being here for each and every one.

Not just feeling everything, but being alone.  For the first year people were always there.  Making sure we were ok on this date or that date.  "Do you need anything?"  Do ou and the kids want to spend the day here?"

That all stopped when we hit the 1 year mark of his death.  We'd been through everything, so we didn't need anyone to try to take the focus away from what day it was.

So now not only are we going through all these moments and the pain, but we're also doing it alone.

As much as doing it alone makes the days harder, its something we needed.  We need to deal with these emotions on our level, in our way.  You can't do that when you have people there all the time.  People are uncomfortable with sadness and crying.  You learn this right away, so I did what I could to not cry around people.  I'd save it for when they were gone.  But there are those moments when its to strong to put off until later.  So being alone and able to cry when I need to is a good thing. 


This is just another reminder that the grieving process doesn't just stop, that its on going and will be something I will go through for the rest of my life.

Wordless Wednesday - Donate Life Float

On December 29th we went out to Pasadena to put a rose on the Donate Life Float in memory of Tin Man.  This will be our tradition from now until who knows when.

The kids putting the rose on the float.  We weren't supposed to take pictures, but they don't take pictures of you putting the actual rose on, which I don't like.  So I snapped a quick one, which is why its blurred.

You can see the Rose Bowl in the background

By this time (less than 45 minutes) Warrior was miserable because it was 85 out. 

Christmas Day

All the kids had on their Christmas list was to take a tree out to Tin Man's grave.  Thankfully my kids talk enough about what they want that I knew what to get them.

Unfortunately others know my kids to well and knew that Warrior would love a chicken mask.  Mom on the other hand, no so much.  It creeps me out.  Especially when he puts it on and then just stares at you for 10 minutes.

Everyone also got Nerf guns for an all out war.  We're talking 4 kids and 5 adults.  My brother in law kept hiding behind the fridge to reload.

My brother in law could open up his own DVD rental with all his DVDs, so we went on a hunt trying to find  something that might possibly hold them all.  He wasn't to thrilled he had to put it together himself, but Warrior helped.

He filled it up and still had to put some on top.  Over 500 DVDs

This was my favorite present.  My other one was stolen, and I haven't had the money to replace it.

The kids have been begging to play Texas Hold Em for the last couple of days.  We decided instead of chips, we would bet with candy.  There's the chicken again.

We all lost.

Then we played a game called Fishbowl.  Everyone writes says, slogans, or phrases on a piece of paper.  3 per person.  Then they are put into a bowl.  There are 3 rounds.  1st round you have to get your team to guess what's on the paper without using any of the words.  2nd round is charades.  3rd round you can only use one word.  It was hard, but a lot of fun.

We also played with the chicken.  Worst part was.  It wasn't Warrior this time.

This is our 2nd Christmas without Tin Man.  It was much easier than last years but it was still very hard at times.  Thankfully we were around family and friends.

Christmas Eve

Most kids have a list a mile long of what they want for Christmas.  Like iPad, a new bike, video games, the new Xbox One. 

My kids' Christmas list included 1 thing.  To take a Christmas tree out to their dad on Christmas Eve.

How could I say no to such a Christmas wish?

The tree came from a tree farm that friends of ours run.  During Tin Man's last Christmas season we spent some time there.  It was only fitting that we got a tree from there instead of a parking lot tree farm in Southern California.

Now getting this tree from our area to SoCal wasn't easy.  I have severe allergies to pine trees, making having a real Christmas tree out of the question.  We were going to tie it to the top of my car, but the kids were so afraid it would fly away, so it ended up in our trunk.  Wrapped in garbage bags and a sleeping bag. 

Thankfully my allergies didn't bother me on the drive down.

On Sunday a friend of ours sent a picture of Tin Man's headstone all decorated.  It amazes me how one picture could make me cry in the blink of an eye.  I was so happy that someone took the time out to decorate his headstone.  

Even though you can't really see Warrior, I love this picture.  The kids told me that the light was Tin Man and Jesus letting them know they were with us.  We got the tree up and then we all needed a break to let some tears flow. 

After some tears it was time to get to work.  The main ornaments are blue and green with a few ladybug (red with black dots) thrown in.

They also made a Dad ornament. 

Merry Christmas Daddy!

They added a couple of ladybug ornaments to his headstone too.

Christmas Tree and Ms Vice President

Last Christmas we weren't in the mood to do anything.  We were counting down the days until it was over and all the Christmas decorations went away.  This year we still aren't 100% into Christmas, but its slowly coming back. 

The kids decided they wanted to get a tree to take out to Tin Man's grave.  We were going to wait until we got down there to get one, since I am severely allergic to pine, and really don't want a tree in my car for 7 hours.  But the Christmas tree farm that friend of ours run means a lot to us because the last Christmas we had with Tin Man we spent a lot of time up there (and tons of money on allergy meds). 

So I gave in and decided the kids were right and this was the best place to get a tree.  Its small, and fits in the trunk, but is going to be tied to the top of the car.  Its the only way I will be able to survive the drive.

Sugar Pea's school started a student council last year.  This year she decided she wanted to run for Vice President.  I was very impressed and so proud that she got up in front of the entire school and gave her candidate speech. 

Considering this is the child that wouldn't speak in class not that long ago, her getting up to give a speech in front of the school is amazing.  Once we finally got a diagnosis (auditory processing disorder, visual processing disorder, and short term memory loss) and finally knew how to help her, she's made amazing progress!

Yesterday was the election and Sugar Pea is the new Vice President!  I'm such a proud mom.

I Really Need A Widow Filter

I don't walk around with a huge sign stating that my husband died.  Although it might make life a little easier.

But then those strangers would look at me the same way friends and family do.  I. HATE. THAT. LOOK.  They look at me like they are just waiting for me to breakdown and the guys with the white jackets show up.

I'm pretty sure for a while there they even had a pool going.  I pick June 4th at 7pm.


While family and friends see me as the broken shell of a person they think I've become, strangers see me as normal.

Normal is good.  Until they say or ask something about my husband.  That's the moment when my mouth takes on a life of its own and I really can't stop it.

The other day one of the new parents at Sugar Pea's school invited us to a Christmas party.  She asked if it would be just me and the kids or if my husband would be coming too.  BEFORE I could stop it from coming out I said, "I don't know, its hard work digging him up, and I'm not sure how long it would take to get him ready for a party."

Thankfully she was very understanding and even laughed at it, but I felt bad. 

I really need to figure out how to install a widow filter so when my mind wants to comeback with these types of comments, my mouth can stop them from rushing out.

Dealing With Guilt

How true is this?  I have experienced many deaths in my 30 something years.  Most of them being in the last 6 years.  Each one came with their own feelings of guilt.  Guilt that I didn't get to spend more time with them before they died.  Guilt that I was to wrapped up in my own life to take a minute and call more than I did.


I was not prepared for the amount of guilt I would feel after Tin Man passed away.  Granted I wasn't prepared for that either.

Guilt because I made the decision to take him off life support. 

• I *know* I did the right thing, and I would do it all over again.  I know this in my head.  Now my heart is a totally different story.  My heart keeps screaming at me that that morning when I entered the hospital he was alive.  When I left the hospital he was dead because of a decision I made.

That's not something that goes away over night.  I'm still working on coming to terms with it, and I have been told that what I am feeling is very normal. 


Guilt because I was able to buy a new car this year. 

• We haven't had a new car in many many years.  The last couple of cars we had were very used.  When Tin Man was alive we were paying $500 a month out of pocket for his medicines.  Then there was the weekly trips to the hospital.  Copays for doctors.  Time off work.  I don't have that now.  The $500 a month that we spent on medicines is now spent on car payment and insurance, with some left over.

I know he would want the kids and I to have something safe and reliable, but again my heart is screaming at me that the only reason I can afford it is because he's not here.


Guilt because of the new me.

• I'm not the same person I used to be.  In a way that person died with Tin Man.  My view of the world is different.  My view of people around me is different.  My view of what's important is totally different.  After something like this, you can never go back to your normal self.  At times I feel guilty because I'm working on who I am and who I want to be, because none of it is the same as it was before.

I know Tin Man would want me to be happy and to continue living, and to also make sure that I have a way to support the kids and I without having to worry about finances.  My head knows this, but my heart is screaming that I'm only changing because he's not here.


Guilt because I want to love again.

• Tin Man was my first true love.  I was 18 when we got married, and we were married 14 years.  I know I will never find what I had with him, and I don't want to.  What I had was with him, because of who he was, and who I was with him, and I can't replace it.  But I am only 30 something.  I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.  I want to love again.  

This one is hard to put into words why I feel guilt over it, because its a little of everything.  But this also has guilt because of my kids.  I don't want them to feel like I am or will ever try to replace their dad.  I worry about how they will handle things.  About if I'm going to scar them and send them to therapy for the next 20 years.


I knew guilt came with death, but I was never prepared for just how bad it really was.

Memorial Basketball Game

Last Tuesday (Nov 26) was the first memorial basketball game in honor of Tin Man.

After he was listed for his transplant, he saw a video of his cardiologist playing basketball.  He called him up and challenged him to a basketball game.  1 year after he got his transplant.

The day we got the call they had a heart for him, they started making plans.  The 12 days that Tin Man was awake after transplant, they talked about it almost daily.  Where and when.  This was something both of them were looking forward to.

Since they weren't able to play their game, we thought a basketball game would be a great way to honor him and also bring community awareness to organ donation.

Unfortunately Tin Man's cardiologist wasn't able to be there, but our favorite nurse came in his place. 

Warrior being interviewed before the game by local news.

My kid may be amazing, but he's definitely weird.

Warrior and our favorite nurse.  She beat him by 1 point.

Being interviewed after the game by the other local news.

Definitely had to take some pictures of my kiddos on the TV

Sugar Pea passed out programs and save the date flyers for the 3rd annual blood drive. 

All the proceeds from the came went into helping start up the scholarship fund in memory of Tin Man.  The coach wants to make this a yearly thing, turning it into a memorial game and fundraiser to keep the scholarship going.

The Difference

This is something I've had building in my head, more and more lately.  Finally decided to write it down.  Not sure if I'm done with it or not.

 

The Difference

Talking with another widow, the topic of broken hearts come up. I don't remember the entire conversation, but she asked me "aren't our hearts broken too?"

My answer was no.

My heart was shattered.

There is a difference. A broken heart can be repaired with little to no evidence. A shattered heart can be put back together but its full of cracks and there are pieces forever missing. The evidence of what it has gone through will always be there. Its forever changed.


I have had people compare my loss to their divorce.

My answer was no.

At some point in your relationship you made a choice. A choice that the relationship was over and not worth fighting for. I HAD NO CHOICE. My relationship, my love, my husband, was stolen from me. There is no 2nd chance, no time to change my mind. No time to make things right.


I have seen things all over Facebook and Pinterest about not looking back and the past is the past and should stay there.

My answer is no. There is a difference.

When a relationship ends in a breakup, there is always a reason. The couple should learn from it and move on. They chose that path in their lives and they need to continue forward on it.

I did not choose this. The path I was on was great. It was bumpy at times, but always smoothed out in time. I did not choose to change paths. My path was fine. My path was what I wanted. Then it was no longer there. I was forced to change my path. This path is bumpy, full of holes, and many curves. This path has straight lines followed by a maze. Most of the time the maze takes me pack to the beginning and I have to pick another route. Eventually the mazes get smaller and less complicated, but they will always be there.


Many people want to believe they know how I feel because they've lost a parent/grandparent/sibling/friend.

My answer is no. There is a huge difference.

The loss of a loved one is always hard. Every one of them leaves a hole in our lives where they used to be.

I have lost my dad, grandmas, grandpa, best friend, aunts, uncles. Each one of them was hard, and each one of them was hard.
But none of them compare to the loss of my husband. With that one loss I lost my best-friend, my lover, my soul mate, my roommate, my patient, my kids' father, my support, my dreams, my future, my plans.

When he died there was and always will be a huge hole where he was. But each one of those losses left a hole too. I can repair some of them, but they will never be the same. Some of them are unrepairable and I have to learn to work around them.


I have had several people tell me I am not the same person.

My answer is no. I am not.

There is a huge difference between my life before my husband died, and now. I will never be the same. I see things differently. Things that used to matter don't any more. Things that I never thought would happen to me, are always at the back of my mind. Things I never thought about before are things I've come to obsess over.


Things are different now. I'm different. My kids are different. Our paths in this world are different.

I've had to figure out who I am and who I will be from now. I am and always will be a work in progress.

Halloween, Fun Yet Sad

It wasn't that long ago that we started planning for Halloween in July.  Started figuring out what costumes were going to be.  Decorating the house.  Halloween parties. 

Now its more about dreading this time of year more than anything.

Its just not the same.  I know eventually we'll find our own normal Halloween, but it wasn't this year.

We did go back to tradition.  Headed over to a friend's house to decorate the monster truck in front of their house, and then trick or treating.  It just wasn't the same without Tin Man there.

The kids had fun, and that's all that really matters.

Warrior was determined he was going to be a pink crayon.  Couldn't be any other color than pink.  Let me say, finding a pink crayon was a pain.  No problem finding purple, green, or a box of crayons.  4 stores to find the pink on.  I told him he owes me for my time.

Sugar Pea wanted to be the Mad Hatter.  I paid a total of $15 for her costume.  The most expensive thing being the top hat.  I got everything on clearance at Kmart.  Even better is she can wear everything again.  White shirt and the skirt.  Perfect.  The shirt and jeans.  Great. 

One day everything will be normal.  Not the old normal, but eventually a new normal.  But never the same.

Wordless Wednesday - Friday Night at the Races

OK not so wordless.

I haven't been to the races in a long time.  Last time I went was in 2011 with the kids and Tin Man.  It was for a fundraising event where local PD came out to race each other.  It was a ton of fun, and knowing most of the cops in the area, it was fun watching them battle each other.

Friday morning I found out that they were having another local PD race to help raise money for a local teen who was waiting for a heart transplant.  Warrior and I decided to go.  Sugar Pea chose Girl Scouts instead.

It was a good night until just before the PD race started.  They announced that the kid got his heart transplant that day and had actually just got out of surgery.  This brought back so many memories and emotions.  I was an emotional wreck the rest of the night.  So happy for this family, but thinking about the donor family, and thinking about Tin Man and his donor family.

A good friend of mine's husband won the race, which helped cheer me up a little.

The start of the race.  Right after they got to their starting positions is when they announced the kid got his heart.

My phone sucks at motion pictures

Final turn

We left just after the cop race.  I had to go pick up Sugar Pea, and didn't want to fight the traffic getting out.  One the way out to the car Warrior decided he was going to fly.  2 hot chocolates and a pack of sour punches.  The thanks to a few friends, he had had way to much sugar. 

18 Months

I can't believe its already been 18 months since Tin Man has been gone. Even a year ago I never thought I would feel normal again. That normal is gone.  We will never feel that normal again.

We are working on our new normal (I hate that phrase). Some days are much harder than others.  Some days are full of laughter and the happy memories.  Some days are full of sadness and the hole that is left.  

I can still remember almost everything from that month in the hospital, but especially that last day. The sounds, the smells, the looks.  I'm able to look back now and be thankful for all those amazing people in the ICU.  And as much as I hated the pity looks they gave me, I'm thankful for them now.  They showed how much they cared about Tin Man, and me.  It showed that they were pulling for him too.  It showed that this one person, made a huge impact in their lives.

I don't remember much from the days following that though. I remember his funeral, but don't remember the people. I feel bad because people were like, oh you met so and so at Tin Man's funeral. Yeah, I don't remember. Thankfully most people are very understanding.

Thankfully those memories aren't as hard as they were. They don't consume my mind anymore. More of the good memories, the funny times in the hospital, and the 14 years we were married. Those are what come up when I think of Tin Man. The funny times. The frustrating times.

Its still hard because now if I screw up my kids, I have no one but myself to blame. (I'm kidding, relax). I still have to deal with stupid people, especially the ones that can't or don't believe I'm a widow because I'm only 34. It sucks, but I figure they are the lucky ones that haven't been exposed to this world. I was that lucky one point. I always thought of old ladies when I thought of widows.

I look back at the last 18 months and can't believe how far I've come. How far we've come. My kids continue to amaze me with their strength through all of this. Not to mention that they are constantly thinking of others when they have every right to think of only themselves. I am so proud of them, and I know Tin Man is too.