Think Before You Speak!

Its been a little over 3 years since Tin Man died. After 3 years you'd think I'd be a pro at the dead husband speech. I'm not. Its not so much the speech itself as it is the looks. The you're not old enough to have a dead husband look. Although the looks aren't nearly bad as the questions. "How is it possible? You're so young?" But as bad as those are, nothing is as bad as the "I understand what you're going through." comments. Unless your husband died, YOU HAVE NO IDEA! There is a huge difference between being divorced and widowed. Your children still have their dad. You're children can call and visit their dad. Mine can't call their dad, and to visit their dad they have to go to a cemetery. I don't have my husband. I can't argue with him. I haven't heard his voice in over 3 years. I just wish people would think before they speak!

Government Shutdown Canceled Science Camp

Sugar Pea's class was supposed to leave yesterday to go to science camp this week.

Because of the government shutdown, they didn't get to go.

Sugar Pea is pretty upset about this.  She's been waiting for this trip since Warrior went when he was in 6th grade. 

As of right now its still up in the air if they will get to reschedule it for later on in the year or if they are going to just miss it completely.

I do hope they can reschedule it.  Its a great opportunity for them, and completely different that us just going to Yosemite for the week.

Why Does It Matter Now

Since Tin Man died, there are questions that people feel they need to know the answer to.

Questions they never asked before.


How are you doing financially?  How can you afford your car? 


Or the comments about my parenting.

You let your kids do that?  I guess when you're a single parent you're allowed to mess up every now and then.



Seriously people?  What makes you think that just because my husband is gone you have a right to ask whatever you want?

Never once did you ask how we were doing financially when we were forking out $500 a month on medicines, and had doctor bills a mile high.  Or the weekly trips up to the hospital.

Never once did money enter your mind then.  When it really was an issue.

I would give my car back in a heartbeat to have my husband back.  I traded the $500 a month for medicines for a car payment.  I don't see why it matters to you now.


I have always let my kids go off with groups of friends.  They are old enough and responsible enough to be trusted to walk around a fair with a group of their friends.  Or to the movies.  Or walk to or home from school.

My kids have always had chores.  They took on more and bigger the older they got, but I feel that kids should have chores.  Especially if they want some extra spending money.

I haven't figured out how to be in 2 places at once.  I have to drop one kid off here, the other across town.  I refuse to drop one off until I know there is someone there with them, so I may be a few minutes late picking up the other kid.  I have always called to say I will be a few minutes late.

That has been my life for the last 4 years.  Tin Man was sick, so I had to do most of the running with the kids.  Its never been an issue until now.  Why?


It amazes me how people look at me now that I am a single mom.  When I was a married mom, everything was different and the world was perfect.  Now, it seems like I have gone from great mom into worst single mom ever.

Oh well.  Can't make everyone happy.

Not Knowing Was Easier

When Tin Man died, we didn't know what happened.  The doctors requested an autopsy to get answers.

The autopsy showed us what happened, but we were still left wondering why it happened.

His cause of death was pulmonary hemorrhage brought on by multiple (we are talking 100s) of blood clots in his lungs.  Not to mention the rest of his body.

The autopsy did show just how amazing his new heart was.  Doctors were so surprised at how well it was, and very little complications from all it had to go through those last 2 weeks. 

His death WAS NOT transplant related.


His death was caused by an error.  A huge mistake.


Last August I learned of a recall on a medicine last March.  Around the same time that Tin Man got really sick.

The recall was the blood thinner, Argatroban, that he was on. 

Learning this was like having to start the grieving process all over again.  He wasn't here because someone didn't check their product before shipping it out.

Reading the report on what could happen is like reading his autopsy report.


I started doing more research and eventually contacted a lawyer.

The lawyer helped get his records, sent his records off to 2 different pathologists (one in Tampa and other in Atlanta).  Both of them agreed that it was most likely the cause of death.

So we started going after the pharmacy records from the hospital.  Instantly they clammed up.  Took their sweet time returning phone calls and emails.  Finally someone did return an email.  Asking for time for them to look into it.

6 weeks later we finally get another email back.  They don't use the concentration that was recalled and because of this, they are declining to give us the records.

This is where things started getting weird.  After this email my lawyer stopped returning my phone calls and responding to emails.  2 months later.  He calls to tell me that he is bowing out since the hospital isn't cooperating.  Tells me that he thinks I do have a case, I just need to find the right lawyer.

So I am back to square one.  I have contacted several other lawyers, and all tell me they do feel I have a case, but they aren't willing to take it on.  One finally told me that the hospital is notorious for being a pain in the butt to go up against in court, even just for a subpoena, so I'm going to have a hard time finding anyone to take on the case.

I have 3 more phone calls and emails out.  After these 3 I am done.

I tried.  I spent almost a year trying to get justice for my husband.  Not just him but for my kids.  For the donor.  For his family.

Somewhere there is a family that made the decision to donate their loved one's heart to help someone else live.  Only to have that generous gift die a month later because of this error.

It just doesn't seem fair.  Not knowing what happened was a lot easier to deal with than knowing all I know now.

Food Allergies and Science Camp

If your child doesn't have a food allergy, you have no idea how lucky you are.  When Warrior was little I never even thought about it.  I just knew he could eat anything he wanted.  I never even thought about having to check food labels to see if it included certain foods.

When Sugar Pea was 8 months old we found out she's allergic to strawberries.  I fed her some strawberry banana baby food and she ended up with huge hives and a trip to the ER.  I kept a close eye on what she ate to make sure she didn't get strawberries again.  I never realized just how many things use strawberries. Fruit snacks, juices, even some candies.  Anything that has strawberry flavor and is listed as natural flavoring she can't have.

Then when she was 2 a friend of mine's little boy gave her a strawberry.  That sent us to hospital via ambulance for a week.  Since then we've made sure she knows, and kind of scared her into knowing that she can't eat them. 

The worst part is when we moved 4 years ago we moved to the middle of strawberry country.  We knew before we moved up here that she couldn't eat them, but we didn't realize that just coming into contact with them, or their juices would send us to the ER via ambulance.  We learned that real fast in 1st grade.  For a birthday, parents brought the kids chocolate covered strawberries (Sugar Pea got chocolate covered banana).  Her table made decided to play with his and finger painted the table with the squished up strawberry.  Sugar Pea stuck her hand in it and almost instantly couldn't breathe.  Her teacher told me that in her 25 years of teaching that was the first time she's ever had to use an Epi Pen. 

When you see a strawberry you see a red juicy delicious fruit.  I see a landmine waiting to go off.  Especially when you have a class walking around with them. 

Thankfully the smell of them doesn't affect her, just physical contact with them.  So far.  If the smell ever does start to affect her, we're screwed.

During the harvesting times, we have to wipe everything down when we go out in public, and in some cases, like the store, she will wear gloves.  I know I look insane to some people.  Waiting rooms I will pull out my disinfectant wipes and wipe off the chair/table/whatever before she's allowed to sit.  Some of the looks I get from people are priceless.

Now her allergy may keep her from being able to go to science camp in January.  Well the allergy and Blue Shield.  She's been looking forward to this since Warrior was in 5th grade and got to go.

I have to have the doctor fill out a paper stating that yes she is allergic to strawberries and can not eat them.  If she doesn't have this filled out, she will be fed what everyone else is.

The problem I'm having is insurance and getting her into see the doctor to have this paper filled out. 

We're having issues with Blue Shield and Med-Cal.  Blue Shield keeps bringing Tin Man back to life and reactivating that policy.  When that happens, Med-Cal refuses to pay for anything because we have other insurance but Blue Shield won't pay for it because they have record of the policy being canceled April 30th.

We were in the middle of switching doctors when Tin Man died, which is making things even more difficult.  The old doctor won't fill out the paper because she's no longer her patient and the new doctor won't fill it out with out actually having seen her at least once.

I spent most of the day on the phone with both insurance companies and both doctor's offices trying to see what I can do to get this form filled out.  I have until the 30th to get it filled out and turned in or she can't go.

With it being Thanksgiving week, I doubt I'll get much done, but I have my fingers crossed that Blue Shield can get things situated in their computers tomorrow, and then call or fax Medi-Cal whatever they need tomorrow.

I am not going to be a happy mom if Sugar Pea can't go to science camp with the rest of her class because these 2 insurance companies can't get things straight.

Other People's Kids

First let me say, I'm not saying you have to spank your children.  I don't spank mine and they still know that I won't put up with them being little monsters. 

Yesterday I watched a kid, I'd say 8th grader, ride his bike out in front of a car.  Less then 20 feet from a cop.  So the cop pulled him and his friends over.  Asked what their names were and where they lived.

The kids started immediately with their attitudes.  One told the cop he couldn't remember his name or where he lived.  All 3 of them thought this was funny and started to taunt the cop.  The cop looked over at me, and I told him my kids know they'd be in serious trouble if I ever found out they were treating any adult that way but especially a cop.

This got me to wondering, what are parents thinking?  I have 2 friends that are so busy trying to be their kids' best friends that they aren't being parents.  You have more than enough time to be your child's friend once they group up.

Be their parent while they are young.  Its ok if they don't like you, and occasionally hate you.  It means you're doing your job.

I keep wanting to remind these friends that when they are done with their kids, the rest of us have to deal with them.  Meaning we have to deal with their nasty attitudes in adult form, not to mention their mentality that all adults should bow down to them.

Not gonna happen.

This is why I can't stand a lot of other people's kids.  Now those that actually stand up and parent and have well mannered kids, I can handle them, but those kids are far and few now days, at least in this area.

Bad Mom Reason 361

Don't you just love those people that don't have kids, but feel the need to tell you how to raise yours.  Or the ones that have toddlers and think they know it all about parenting teens.  Even worse are the ones that flat out call you a bad parent because they don't agree with you.


I've been called a bad parent for many reasons.  Because I let my kids dye their hair unnatural colors.  Because you know, kids with lime green hair can't be smart, motivated, or an all around good kick.  Kids with lime green hair are into drugs, stealing, and hurting animals.  

I guess someone forgot to send that memo to my straight A, very motivated, lacrosse playing, lime green hair kid.

Then there is the "she's a bad mom because she allows her son to walk home from school".  Really?  We live a little over half a mile from the school.  He's in high school and walks to school with his friends.  He doesn't want a ride unless its raining, and even then not always.  Its not like I force my kids to walk 5 miles to school up hill both ways, in the snow every day.  

I would, but well, we don't live 5 miles from the school, and it doesn't snow here.  

Oh and I got a lot of grief from people about letting my kids dress up as zombies and dance to Michael Jackson.  One mom straight up told me I was sending my kids straight to hell because of it.  Even the Bible says so.  Anyone wanna clue me in on where this is in the Bible?

The latest one is because I was taking sleeping pills and my kids knew about it.  You know, to actually sleep at night.  I was barely sleeping 4 hours a day.  I was up cleaning house all hours of the night because laying in bed was driving me nuts.  I tried all the suggestions I was given and they didn't work.  My dr prescribed the sleeping pills right after Tin Man died.  Almost 7 months ago and I still have more than half of them left.  

I have always had people criticize my parenting, and usually I think its funny.   Right now though, it just irritates me.  I know I'm over emotional and overly sensitive, but still.  

Wonder what these oh-so-perfect-people- would think if they knew I let Warrior play on a freeway (when new section of freeway opened up, the city through a party, so we went to hang out with friends and our kids played with their toys, on the freeway), or let them both drink "wine coolers".  (I used to wash out wine cooler bottles and save them so the kids could drink Kool-Aid out of them on New Year's Eve.  They thought it was the coolest thing in the world.


Or because my kids have eaten things, like dog food.  When Warrior was little he ate lots and lots of dog food.  He'd even try to fight the dog for it.  So then I had to feed the poor dog in the bathroom with the door closed to keep Warrior from eating all his food.  He also ate snails he found outside.  Oh and worms.  He was gross a very gross kid.

Sugar Peas was all about eating mayo and butter by the spoonful, so I had to tie my fridge shut to keep her from eating it.  She was also into dirt. 

Yes, I know, I have some strange, but normal, kids.

Things NOT to Say to a Widow

The last 5 months have taught me that while people do mean well, they don't always think before they speak. I've had a lot of people say things trying to comfort me, but they don't. Instead they make me feel worse, or even angry.

I've learned to thank them, hug them, and then change the subject. I know they don't get it, and getting mad and making a scene wont change it.  I have learned that unless people have been through the loss of a spouse, they really don't get what IT really is.  If you'd like to see some insight to what IT is for me, check out my What It Really Is post.

There are just some things you don't say to a grieving widow/widower. (I hate being called that. Sugar Pea says people should call me a ladybug because widows are spiders, and they're gross. I have to agree.)

1. How are you? Really, how do you think I am. I usually answer OK to this because most people don't really want to hear that I'm not ok. That I have to force myself to get out of bed and pretend to be a normal person. That I feel guilty when I laugh, or when I enjoy a day out with my kids. I'm not ok, and right now I feel like I will never be ok.

2. Remember he's always with you. This one drives me nuts. I will always have my memories. I will always share Tin Man's story. But I would much rather have him here with me, in person. I want to hug him, see him. TALK to him. I do feel him around me, but its just not the same.

3. When I lost my dad/mom/fill in the blank. I lost my dad when I was 14. My step dad when I was 28. 3 Grandmothers, 2 Grandfathers, an aunt, an uncle, 4 friends. NONE of them felt the way this does. Tin Man was my best friend, my lover, my soulmate. He was part of me. I feel like half of me was ripped away. Losing someone is always hard, but no one I have ever lost compared to this.

4. God has a plan. Are you kidding me? My husband died. My kids lost their father, and God is ok with this? Why would God send us a healthy new heart? Why would God give us hope of a new life? Why would God let my husband suffer 2 weeks before he died? If God had a plan, he could have left me all of Tin Man's passwords. That would have made life a whole lot easier.

5. He's in a better place. So being without me and his kids is a better place? Being away from his friends and family is better?

6. Call me if you need anything. Very few people really mean this. They have no idea what to say, so they blurt this out. I learned this from experience. I needed some help right after Tin Man's funeral. All these people that were going to be there for me scattered. I found out real fast who my true friends were.

7. Ending love in ED. He lovED you very much. He lovED the kids. He still loves us. He always will. We still love him, and always will. It will never be past tense.

8. Bible verses. Right now I'm angry at God. Not as much as I was in the beginning, but not enough to care about what the Bible says. Whether you want to believe it or not, being angry at God is a normal thing. Only thing is most people won't actually admit it out loud. I will. I am angry at God. I can not be angry at Tin Man because he fought the fight of his life to stay with the kids and me. I can't be angry at the doctors, nurses, or hospital because they did everything in their power and more to figure out what was going on and try to fix it. They were just as devastated as we were. I can be mad at God. Why? Because he didn't answer my prayers. I prayed for a month. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed before in those last 2 weeks. I feel like they were unanswered. So yes. I am angry at God.

9. God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want. I wasn't even sure how to respond to this person. My prayers were to make Tin Man better. To let the doctors figure out what was wrong with him. To not take my husband or my kids' father away from them. HOW is there any other way to answer those prayers?

10. At least you didn't have to go through a divorce. First let me say I'm proud of myself because I was able to control myself and not go off on this person. Death is better than divorce? I didn't choose this. You chose the divorce. In a divorce the children still have both their parents. My kids lost their dad. Divorce is NOTHING like death, and trying to say its worse than death shows just how little you really know.

What IT Really Is

Someone sent this to me not long after Tin Man died.  I had some so called friends telling me I needed to get over it and move on.  They couldn't understand why I was (and still am) so depressed.   They're recently told me that its been 2 months, and wanted to know why it was talking so long.  Seriously?

IT’s been a year; you should be over it. What exactly is “IT?” I’ll tell you what “IT’ is.

• IT is five days after the funeral, Thanksgiving Day, trying to find something to be thankful for.  This year Warrior's birthday is on Thanksgiving.  November will be 7 months.  We now have to find new plans for our Thanksgiving this year.
• IT is Christmas without the merry, and New Year’s without the happy.  Those traditions that Tin Man and I started.  Tin Man was like a little kid at Christmas. Not having him there when the kids open their presents.  Having to play Santa all by myself.
• IT is your first day back to work when every minute you are afraid you will burst into tears. - I've decided that I'm going to hold off until after school starts in August.  I was in absolutely no shape to try to start a job.  I could barely get out of bed and get dressed, there was no way I was going to be able to learn how to do a new job.
• IT is his birthday, but there is no him.  Tin Man's birthday was May 23rd.  A month and 13 days after he passed away.  A day that was supposed to be a celebration that he made it to a year older, instead we sent him a birthday card via Angel Mail.
• IT is Valentine’s Day, only this time the roses are from your children. -  Our Valentine's Day tradition was a letter to each other.  These letters included 1 memory from when we were dating.  1 memory from the first year we were married.  5 memories from all the years we were married, and 5 things we want in our future together.  I have each and every letter he gave me.  All 14 of them.  
•  IT is your birthday, and there is still no him. -  July 14.  No birthday card from him.  No birthday lunch, no waking me up at midnight to give me a birthday kiss.
• IT is April 15 and you sing “filing as surviving spouse” – surviving, yes; living, no. - To far away to even think of right now.
• IT is springtime when everything comes alive except you, that is.- no more picking out flowers for the flower beds.  No more deciding together what we want to plant in the garden.
• IT is Easter and everyone is singing “Let Us Rejoice and Be Glad” – there is no rejoicing and no glad. - Tin Man passed away 2 days after Easter.  He coded and had to have chest compressions the day before Easter.
• IT is Mother’s Day and you sadly remember how happy he was when each child was born. - This Mother's Day was my first without him.  I missed him teasing me about how Father's Day should be before Mother's Day.  How Mother's Day was all by itself and Father's Day was combined with graduations.  You know, Dad's and Grads.
• IT is Father’s Day and your kids spend it with you and there is an empty chair in the room. - Tomorrow.  Tomorrow my kids will send their dad his Father's Day card by Angel Mail.  No hugs.  No kisses.  No "Its Father's Day, its my day to relax" excuses.
• IT is the 4th of July and the job of raising the flag has been passed on to your sons. - No more running all over town so he could find his favorite fireworks.  No more excitement about taking the kids to the parade.  No more sitting on the porch with him watching the neighborhood firework show.
• IT is vacation time and you and your kids go without him - Its not fair!  He should be with us.  It should be us taking the train across country to visit different places.  Not the kids and I headed to my mom's house trying to run away from the memories for a couple of weeks.
• IT is Halloween and you pass out the candy, but the silly dad in the mask is absent. - Tin Man prepared for Halloween months in advanced.  He'd put so much time and effort into the perfect halloween costume.  This year I will be taking the kids trick or treating alone.
• IT is looking at the moon and wondering if he sees the same moon like the two of you always did when apart in the past.  -  Talking to the moon hoping that he can still hear me, but wishing he was with me.
•  IT is receiving that first wedding invitation that is addressed to you and your “guest.” - The wedding invitations started coming not long after Tin Man passed away.  My brother is getting married July 3rd.  I'm excited for him, but I'm scared that I'm going to break down in the middle of it.
• IT is going back into “that” church for the first time and remembering, but not remembering and feeling that all eyes are upon you. - It will be a long time before I can step foot into that church.  Thankfully its 400 miles away.
• IT is going to another funeral for the first time and feeling yourself shaking all over, too distraught to stay, but unable to leave. - I'm praying I don't have to go to another one for a very long time.  I'm not sure I can bring myself to go to one right now.
• IT is doing all the things you always did, plus all the things he always did, and doing it when all your energy has been used for grieving.- Most days I'm impressed I'm up, showered, and dressed.  Not to mention having to do my normal stay at home mom daily chores, but I've had to take on all his too. 
• IT is being strong when you really feel weak. - more like tired of being strong.  I want to fall apart and have him wrap his arms around me and tell me its OK.  I need him more than anything right now, and I'm such a wreck because he's no longer here.
• IT is putting on a pasted smile when you are crying inside and saying you are okay when you really aren’t. - People are constantly telling me I look good.  Not sure what they expect me to look like.  I get up, showered, dressed, and do my make up in hopes that it will make me feel better.  It doesn't.  I look good on the outside, but I'm falling apart on the inside.
• IT is dealing with titles and abstracts and bills and attorneys and doing it very well when all you really want to do is hibernate. - There should be a grieving period.  Everyone/everything should be able to wait for 3 months.  Unfortunately it doesn't.  Having to tell people that Tin Man passed away.  Have to send off copies of the death certificate to prove it.  Having to take his name off everything. 
• IT is a whole big bunch of stuff you didn’t ask for, didn’t want and can’t even give away. - I didn't want this attention.  I didn't want this hurt.  All I wanted was the transplant to make my husband healthy so he could be a normal husband and father again.
• IT is going to the cemetery and seeing the monument with his name, and it hits you in the face that this is real. - Yesterday I finished paying off his headstone.  Having to decide what picture to use for it.  What I wanted it to say.  What I wanted it to look like, what font to use.  I'm 32.  I shouldn't have to figure this out yet!
• IT is feeling like a traitor when you get rid of his personal belongings. - I can't even bring myself to go through his things let alone get rid of anything.
• IT is seeing couples hand in hand and tearfully glancing at the gold band he put on your finger years ago and somehow not being able to take it off. - I'm having a very hard time dealing with couples right now.  I have a couple of friends that are in new relationships and all lovey dovey and rather gross.  I can't stand to see it, let alone see all the pictures of it all over Facebook.  I am happy for them, but its like a punch in the gut too.
• IT is approaching the first anniversary of his death and reliving it all – oh, yes, you are better, but the void is no less. - Its only been 2 months, I can't imagine it being a whole year since he's been gone.
• IT is people forgetting and you cry, and it is people remembering and you cry. - Right now I cry at anything and everything.  Half the time I'm not sure what set me off, but something does and I cry and cry and cry.  Its even worse when you're in public when it hits.
• IT is a future of unknowns and uncertainties and emptiness. - I have a huge empty hole in my chest.  I'm 32.  I'm a widow, and the only parent my kids have left.
• IT is your wedding anniversary, and for the first time you really understand the words, “till death do us part.” - January 24, 1998.  That's the day that I married my best friend.  I still feel like we're married and part of me always will.  The paper work from the Social Security Office says "marriage ended by death."  Those are horrible words.

So maybe when someone tells you that you should be over it by now, you should just tell them what “IT” really is!

Open Your Eyes

The last 3 months have taught me a lot.  Things about myself, my family, and my friends.  A tragedy like this teaches you real fast who your true friends are.  I'm so thankful for each and every one of you.  I will never be able to repay you for everything you've done for us.

One of the major things I have learned is not to take anything for granted.  Yes this seems so cliche, but even with Tin Man being so sick, and waiting so long for his transplant, I never imagined it would end up like this.  I knew it wouldn't be easy for him, but I never imagined we'd lose him.

We had so many plans we wanted to do.  We had a 101 in 1001 list that we planned to start the day he was released to come home.  So many things we wanted to do. 

Not being able to do them with him is killing me.  So when I see people complaining about their loved ones or treating their loved ones like crap, it is really bothering me right now.  Its always bothered me, but now I just want to scream at them.

OPEN YOUR EYES!  You have what I would give anything for.  You have your husband with you.  You're able to lay next to him at night and wake up to him in the morning.  Let the little things go and look at the big picture.  Be thankful you have him with you.  Be thankful you have tomorrow with him. 

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

My Husband Died, Yes I'm Angry

There should be a book on what not to say to a grieving widow.  Seriously.

I was told I'm angry.  Yes I'm angry.  I've never felt this angry before.  The worst part of it all is I have no one to direct the anger at.  I'm not angry with the doctors or nurses.  They did everything they could for Tin Man.  They fought to keep him alive until the end.  I'm the one that made the decision to turn off all the machines.

I knew he was gone when I walked into his room that morning.  I knew my husband was no longer there.  I asked them to turn the machines off to make it easier on us.

Even though they knew he was gone, they were still doing everything they could to keep him alive.  I can't blame them.

I don't blame the pre transplant team either.  They were able to keep Tin Man alive long enough to get his transplant.  The transplant was his only fighting chance to live.  Without it, he would have died, and I honestly don't think he would have made it to Christmas.

I don't blame anyone for his death.  Everyone was just as devastated as we were, and still are.  I'm amazed at the support that we've gotten from the ICU staff, the surgeon, the transplant team, both pre and post.  Even now.  5 weeks later.

That morning I made Tin Man a promise that I wouldn't hate him.  I don't.  I'm angry, but not at him.  He put up the fight of his life for 2 weeks before he died.  He was determined to be with us, but his body was so battered and tired.  I can't even be angry at him.

I'm just angry.  I'm angry because I don't have him here.  I'm angry because my kids lost their father.  I'm angry because I've learned who my true friends are during all this. 

I'm angry because I need my time to grieve and I can't.  I need to find a job.  I can barely bring myself to get out of bed most mornings.  Going out and trying to find a job is so hard when you can barely function.  Plus the economy in this area is still really bad.

I need to get everything settled and things put in my name.  I need to get ready for Warrior's graduation.  School's almost out.  Summer time means the kids will have a lot of free time.  Plus my brother is getting married this summer.

So much I have to do, but so much I don't want to.  I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep.  Sleep until I wake up from this nightmare.  Sleep until it doesn't hurt anymore.

Sleep until I'm not so angry.

Single Parent Club

It amazes me how many people don't think before they speak.  Just when I think I've heard everything, someone blurts out something stupid that leaves me speechless.

Don't get me wrong, I would have no clue what I'd say to myself, and I'd probably would end up saying something and inserting foot.

I've had someone compare what I'm going through to her divorce.  Seriously?  You chose not to be married to your husband.  I didn't have any choice.  You can still call him up on the phone.  I can't.

I do get she meant well, but she has no idea how far from the truth she really is.

I've also been welcomed into the "Single Parents Club."  I have several friends in this "club" and not one of them really understands how I am feeling.  Some are single because of divorce, and some because of deadbeat dads.  There is still a difference.

I am now the ONLY parent.  I don't have another parent to step up when I'm not feeling good.  I don't have another parent to step up and help me play taxi driver.  I don't have anyone to fight with for child support.  I don't have anyone that may some day step up and be a parent.

Its just me.  Its me dealing with my grief and trying to help my kids through theirs.  Its me trying to figure out what our next step is. 

Its me trying to figure out how to get a decent job when I've spent the last 10 years being a SAHM.  I'm trying to figure out how to keep our lives as normal as I can.  The kids are having a hard enough time dealing with their dad's death without me changing everything all at once.

I haven't even a clue where to start.

We Had Plans

We had so many plans together. So many new things we wanted to do. Old things that we haven't been able to do the last few years. So many friends and family we wanted to travel to see.

I look back at the list that I had started on things we wanted to do and my heart breaks all over again.
Some of the things on the list the kids and I will still do, and find a way to incorporate you're story into it.
Other things hurt to much to think about.

One thing that wasn't in our plans the that kids and I have talked about is doing something to keep your story alive. Something to help not only us begin the healing process, but something that will help others. You've touched so many lives, and have become a hero to so many people that we can't just let your story end.
We've thrown around a few ideas, but we're still adding ideas to the list.

One thing I know you'd be so proud of is this new Facebook/Organ Donation campaign going on. When I first read about it yesterday I could hear you talking about it. About how great it was and how it will help many people in the future.
I hear you all the time. Your comments on different things. Your smart ass attitude. I miss those more and more every day.

We had plans. We were supposed to grow old together. I don't care that you had a heart defect. You beat all the odds from the day you were born. We had plans that you would beat every odd that was thrown at you. You're supposed to be here with me. You're supposed to be involved in all the graduation plans. We're supposed to be living in an apartment near the hospital. You're supposed to be getting better.
We had plans, and you dying wasn't one of them!
I miss you so much, and this hole in my chest keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Lets Pile on More Stress

When it rains, it pours.

The last couple of months we've been stressing out about insurance.  We've been told by several people around town that Tin Man's boss is talking about doing away with the health insurance.  Yet he's not said one word to us.  We have until June to find out if this happens, but we've been stressing and trying to figure out our options and what we need to do to keep Tin Man on the transplant list.

Last Wed the first of several bills from the lastest heart cath came.  We've been fighting with our insurance trying to explain why Tin Man has so many done, but they are refusing to pay them now.  Let me tell you, heart caths are not cheap!

Then on Friday we got some even more stressful news about Tin Man's job.   We are hoping this was just his boss throwing a tantrum and it will pass, but we're trying to come up with Plan B.

Then on Saturday we were on our way to San Francisco with Sugar Pea's Girl Scout troop to see the Chinese New Year parade.  45 minutes into the trip our heater starts blowing out cold air.  By the time we got to a place where we could pull off the road, we were over heating.

The resevoir for the radiator cracked and all the water leaked out.  Even worse than that is we blew a head gasket.

This means $$$$$ to fix the car that we really don't have. 

Here's to hoping that there's no more added stress for a while.

Bullying Goe On

2 weeks ago we had issues with the bully in Sugar Pea's class.  She tried to feed Sugar Pea a strawberry knowing that she's very allergic to them.  Finding this out pissed me off because this happened twice last year.  So I posted something on Facebook. 

"When picking up the kids from school, I found out that the class bully in Sugar Pea's class tried to give her a strawberry and when Sugar Peas stood up to her and told her to leave her alone, she tried to shove it in her face.  Now the mom is pissed off at me because her daughter got in trouble again because of something she did to Sugar Pea."

That is what was posted.  Now the comments I got on the post were along the lines of calling the police if the school didn't do anything about it, and what kind of parent could be angry at us because of something her child did. 

So not much was done.  The bully got 1 day off school and a Friday detention.  That's it.

Anyway, today I had parent teacher confrences.  The first thing out of the teacher aide's mouth was that she had complaints that I had posted something on Facebook about something that had happened at school.


I told her and the teacher, that yes I posted something and no there were no names mentioned.  Then they made some comment about posting things on Facebook about the kids.  I rarely post about other people's kids on Facebook.  That I posted this time because I was angry because its gotten to this point and still nothing happens.  I told the teacher that I needed to vent before I made a scene at the school.  I then told them that I will admit I didn't handle it the best way, but I'm beyond frustrated because nothing is being done and now I have to fear for my child's safety because of this little monster.

The bully's mom doesn't do anything about it.  Her daughter can't possibly do something like that.  She's even told the teacher and the principal that she's tired of her daughter getting into trouble because of how sensitive me and Sugar Pea are.   I've talked to several parents and they've told me things that the bully has done to their daughters.  So its not just aimed at Sugar Pea this year.  She's branched out to bully as many as she can.

The teacher has done a good job of trying to be on top of it, but he can only do so much.  Especially when the kids aren't telling every time.  I know they've met with the parents a few different times about things. 

I feel things haven't gotten better, and are still getting worse.  In my honest opinion they need to stop giving her chances and make the parents find a new school.  Since its a charter school the school doesn't have to put up with this, and shouldn't.  They need to stand up to the parents and just tell them they need to go.

I don't want to have to find a new school because this one has been awesome as far as education and working with Sugar Pea and her learning disabilities.  I'm afraid that if things don't start getting better now, we will have to find a new one next year.

Kids Need to be Kids

Isn't she pretty?  Sugar Pea went as Draculaura from Monster High for Halloween.  We had an agreement that I would let her wear a little makeup for Halloween.  After I was done I was scared at how much older she looked.  I told her she isn't wearing makeup for a very very long time.

After last night she was fine with it.  She says makeup takes to much work to put on and take off.  We'll see if she still feels the same way in a few years.

I feel kids need to stay little as long as they can, they grow up fast enough as is.

I just wish kid fashion felt the same way.

I hate taking Sugar Pea shopping for clothes.  For one school dress code says that skirts/shorts have to be fingertip length.  She has very long arms and her fingertips are at her knees.  So all the cute skirts/shorts she finds are to short.  Some are way to short anyway.  So we then have to find leggings that look good to wear under them.  Most of the time she gets so frustrated and gives up.  I feel bad for her.

She doesn't want shirts with big ugly pictures on them, and definitely doesn't want a giant picture of Hannah Montana on her clothes.  She also doesn't want to wear t-shirts and jeans all the time.  So we have a hard time finding clothes for her that are cute, stylish, but also make her look like she's only 9.

Then a month or so ago we had to go shopping for a bra.  Poor Sugar Pea.  I can remember being so embarrassed when I had to go shopping for my first bra, and I had hoped to make it a little better for her.  We went shopping and pedicures first.  Kind of like a mommy and me day out.

I'm shopping for my 9 year old, so I figured the hardest part we were going to have was her deciding on what she liked.  Oh no.  Our hardest part was finding bras that were fit for a 9 year old.  Who in their right mind would by a padded bra for a little girl?  Or a black bra?  Seriously?!  I couldn't believe the options we had.   It took us 3 stores before we found a selection fit for little girls.  After the 2nd store she was more than ready to just use duct tape and pretend she didn't need one.

Hopefully this new round of clothes in stores makes Christmas shopping a little less stressful.

Fundraising Fun

The last year we've had to swallow our pride and admit that we need financial help. 2 1/2 years ago we were fine. Then my husband got sick and we had tons of medical bills thrown at us. We've always had insurance, and up until then we never thought twice about what they would or wouldn't cover.

That all changed in July 2009. He got sick and we ended up finding out just how good or bad our insurance really is.

$136,000. That's how much we owe the hospital so far. $128,000 of that is from March 1 - March 8 2010. March 1st he went and had his teeth extracted. (his cardiologists and dentist decided that it was the best thing to do because of bacteria after he has the transplant.) That simple surgery had to be done at the hospital in case he had complications. That simple surgery landed him in the hospital for a week and almost on a ventilator. He handled the surgery no problem, but waking him from the anesthetic caused his heart to freak out.

So now, 18 months later we are still fighting with the insurance company to pay that. They are refusing to pay it because they claim its something that should have been done in a dentist office. So we continue to fight because I don't have that much money lying around.

Plus all of the post transplant medical expenses we will have.

So we had to swallow our pride and admit to ourselves and everyone else that we need help.

This is where the fundraising comes in. We've had several fundraisers between Dining for Dollars at different restaurants and the quilt that Warrior's class made and raffled off.

We have 2 Dining for Dollar fundraisers coming up in the next 2 weeks and several others in the works.

The worst part about this is trying to get people to return phone calls. One of the upcoming fundraisers is at IHOP. We called and had friends calling and the manager never returned phone calls We did this for 2 months. Finally we posted something on IHOP's Facebook page and within a week we had it all set up.

We've also had friends tell us that they want to help, or know this person or that person but then never follow through on anything. Then we've had one person rip us off. $3,000 that he made selling car magnets and took off with. Needless to say that made us rethink a lot of things.

I've been left with having to set most of the things up, but between taking care of my husband, his doctors appointments, the kids and school and their activities, its become a strain on me. Plus we've only lived in this area for 3 years so I'm having to track down the info on who I should call for what. That takes a lot of time and energy. Something of which I am running very low on.

I'll be glad when life returns to normal, whatever that is.

The worst timing

Today I met with the Donate Life Liaison for my area so he could introduce me to some of the local health clinics in the area.  Pretty much every 3 or 4 months I will go in and make sure they are stocked on brochures, posters, and anything else they needs.  Also answer any questions they might have.

We were supposed to visit 3 clinics today, but in between the 2nd and 3rd one my car wouldn't start.  I swear it has a mind of its own and knew just when would be the worst time for it to break down.

Looking online its going to be $150 just for the part to fix it.  Now we get to figure out where that money is going to come from. 

We have great friends that will pick the kids up and take them to school and bring them home after.  Our biggest issue is we need a car because my husband could get his call at any time and its over an hour drive to the hospital. 

Hopefully him and his friend can get it fixed tonight.