Thursday, May 16, 2013

I Hoped 1 Year Would Have Been Easier

I had hopes that when we hit the 1 year mark things would get a little easier.  We were done with all the firsts.  It had been 365 days without Tin Man.

I knew it wouldn't be an instant changed, but I had hoped it would gradually start to happen.

Instead it feels worse in some ways.

Mother's Day this year was hard.  Last year I was still numb.  Plus my mom was here so I was focused on celebrating with her.  This year I was alone with the kids. 

One of my early Mother's Day presents was a letter from the 2 of them.  In the letter they promised to give me a weekend of no fighting.

That lasted an hour.  Come Sunday morning they were fighting the minute they woke up.  They had it all planned out that they were going to make me breakfast in bed.  Warrior decided he didn't want to make eggs, and told Sugar Pea that I could settle for toast.  This didn't go over well with her, and she made sure he knew it.

Another part of the letter was promising they would do their chores without me having to fight with them.

Didn't happen.  I didn't figure either of these would actually happen, but I was hopeful.

Between their constant fighting, and me feeling so lonely, I was so glad when Mother's Day was over.

It has always been the 1 day of the year that I expect to be waited on.  Now I don't have Tin Man there to help keep the kids on track.

It was another punch in the gut.

3 weeks of school left.  OMG!  I'm counting down the days, but at the same time I'm scared.  Last year, we were still numb and we had my mom here and everyone was still being so supportive.  Plus we went out to South Carolina for a month to get away and try to start the healing process.

Now the support we had isn't there.  We do have trips planned, but as exciting as that is, it brings a sense of guilt.  We couldn't take trips like these before because we were tethered to the hospital.  Now we aren't.  We are able to do all these things because he isn't here anymore.  So the guilt is there.

I had hoped thing would be different.  Easier.  Maybe one day.

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