Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The Lucky Ones

The past couple of days I have had people constantly remind me that its been a year since Tin Man died.

You know, like I had forgotten or something.

Their reasoning for pointing out the obvious was their way of saying, "Aren't you over it yet?"

NO I am not over it.  I'm still having a lot of issues with it.

Like the reason he isn't here. 

Like the horrible guilt I have.  Guilt that I can't seem to process.  I walked into the hospital that morning and Tin Man was alive.  I walked out of the hospital after Tin Man died.  He died because of a decision I made.

I *know* it was the right decision.  I know this in my head.  I would do it all over again.

I know that in my head.  Unfortunately my heart has other feelings on this.  I feel guilty.  I feel guilty because my kids lost their dad.  I feel guilty because my MIL lost her son, my BIL lost his brother.  I made a choice that made all these happen.  Me.

I know it was the right thing to do, but that doesn't stop my guilt.

I'm also trying to figure out where we go from here.  I've signed up for school, and trying to brush up on my math for my placement test next week. 

I waited a year because I didn't want to change to much for the kids all at once.  Now everything seems to be changing, whether I want it to or not.

School is good.  I have decided to go into radiology.  

The kids are able to do more things, and able to do camps this summer, along with day camps. 

While this is a great thing, its also one of those huge flashing reminders letting us know that they can do these things because we don't have $10,000s of medical bills staring us in the face anymore.

That's one thing people don't seem to understand.  Good things bring happiness, but also sadness.  There is always constant reminders that he's no longer here.  That he's missing this or that.

I have learned that the ones that make comments make them because they don't understand.  Those that do understand don't make the comments because they get what I am feeling.

Those that don't understand are the lucky ones.  They haven't experienced the lost of their spouse.  Their best friend.  Their kids' father.  They haven't lost their future.  Their dreams.

I would give anything to be one of those lucky ones.

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