That Magical One Year Mark

We have been on vacation for the last couple of weeks. Well not an actual vacation (I wish!) but visiting family and friends. I have realized that most people believe that since I have passed the 1 year mark since Tin Man died, I should be over it and ready to move on. Once upon a time I thought that 1 year mark was magical. I thought since I had made it through all the firsts that things would get a little easier. Boy. Was. I. Wrong. The first year I didn't feel much of anything. I was numb, I was praying it was just a horrible dream I would wake up from and find my life back to normal. Now I don't have that numbness. I've given up on this all being a dream and have accepted it as my reality. Now I am finding out the hard way that all these 2nds are even worse. The 2nd Mother's day. Tin Man's birthday. Father's day. My birthday. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 34 years old. 34 and a widow. I love my birthday, but this year its hard. Tin Man isn't here and I can feel every last emotion. I just want to go back to when I was turning 32. My last birthday with my husband. I want to go back to normal. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being alone. I have lost all hope in the magical 1st year. I do have more good days than bad now. Which I am very thankful for, but I am still having a very hard time with all those special days. I know eventually things will get easier. I just wish it would hurry up.