Saturday, July 13, 2013

That Magical One Year Mark

We have been on vacation for the last couple of weeks. Well not an actual vacation (I wish!) but visiting family and friends. I have realized that most people believe that since I have passed the 1 year mark since Tin Man died, I should be over it and ready to move on. Once upon a time I thought that 1 year mark was magical. I thought since I had made it through all the firsts that things would get a little easier. Boy. Was. I. Wrong. The first year I didn't feel much of anything. I was numb, I was praying it was just a horrible dream I would wake up from and find my life back to normal. Now I don't have that numbness. I've given up on this all being a dream and have accepted it as my reality. Now I am finding out the hard way that all these 2nds are even worse. The 2nd Mother's day. Tin Man's birthday. Father's day. My birthday. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 34 years old. 34 and a widow. I love my birthday, but this year its hard. Tin Man isn't here and I can feel every last emotion. I just want to go back to when I was turning 32. My last birthday with my husband. I want to go back to normal. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being alone. I have lost all hope in the magical 1st year. I do have more good days than bad now. Which I am very thankful for, but I am still having a very hard time with all those special days. I know eventually things will get easier. I just wish it would hurry up.

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