18 Months

I can't believe its already been 18 months since Tin Man has been gone. Even a year ago I never thought I would feel normal again. That normal is gone.  We will never feel that normal again.

We are working on our new normal (I hate that phrase). Some days are much harder than others.  Some days are full of laughter and the happy memories.  Some days are full of sadness and the hole that is left.  

I can still remember almost everything from that month in the hospital, but especially that last day. The sounds, the smells, the looks.  I'm able to look back now and be thankful for all those amazing people in the ICU.  And as much as I hated the pity looks they gave me, I'm thankful for them now.  They showed how much they cared about Tin Man, and me.  It showed that they were pulling for him too.  It showed that this one person, made a huge impact in their lives.

I don't remember much from the days following that though. I remember his funeral, but don't remember the people. I feel bad because people were like, oh you met so and so at Tin Man's funeral. Yeah, I don't remember. Thankfully most people are very understanding.

Thankfully those memories aren't as hard as they were. They don't consume my mind anymore. More of the good memories, the funny times in the hospital, and the 14 years we were married. Those are what come up when I think of Tin Man. The funny times. The frustrating times.

Its still hard because now if I screw up my kids, I have no one but myself to blame. (I'm kidding, relax). I still have to deal with stupid people, especially the ones that can't or don't believe I'm a widow because I'm only 34. It sucks, but I figure they are the lucky ones that haven't been exposed to this world. I was that lucky one point. I always thought of old ladies when I thought of widows.

I look back at the last 18 months and can't believe how far I've come. How far we've come. My kids continue to amaze me with their strength through all of this. Not to mention that they are constantly thinking of others when they have every right to think of only themselves. I am so proud of them, and I know Tin Man is too.