Friday, December 13, 2013

Dealing With Guilt

How true is this?  I have experienced many deaths in my 30 something years.  Most of them being in the last 6 years.  Each one came with their own feelings of guilt.  Guilt that I didn't get to spend more time with them before they died.  Guilt that I was to wrapped up in my own life to take a minute and call more than I did.

I was not prepared for the amount of guilt I would feel after Tin Man passed away.  Granted I wasn't prepared for that either.

Guilt because I made the decision to take him off life support. 
  • I *know* I did the right thing, and I would do it all over again.  I know this in my head.  Now my heart is a totally different story.  My heart keeps screaming at me that that morning when I entered the hospital he was alive.  When I left the hospital he was dead because of a decision I made.
That's not something that goes away over night.  I'm still working on coming to terms with it, and I have been told that what I am feeling is very normal. 

Guilt because I was able to buy a new car this year. 
  • We haven't had a new car in many many years.  The last couple of cars we had were very used.  When Tin Man was alive we were paying $500 a month out of pocket for his medicines.  Then there was the weekly trips to the hospital.  Copays for doctors.  Time off work.  I don't have that now.  The $500 a month that we spent on medicines is now spent on car payment and insurance, with some left over.
I know he would want the kids and I to have something safe and reliable, but again my heart is screaming at me that the only reason I can afford it is because he's not here.

Guilt because of the new me.
  • I'm not the same person I used to be.  In a way that person died with Tin Man.  My view of the world is different.  My view of people around me is different.  My view of what's important is totally different.  After something like this, you can never go back to your normal self.  At times I feel guilty because I'm working on who I am and who I want to be, because none of it is the same as it was before.
I know Tin Man would want me to be happy and to continue living, and to also make sure that I have a way to support the kids and I without having to worry about finances.  My head knows this, but my heart is screaming that I'm only changing because he's not here.

Guilt because I want to love again.
  • Tin Man was my first true love.  I was 18 when we got married, and we were married 14 years.  I know I will never find what I had with him, and I don't want to.  What I had was with him, because of who he was, and who I was with him, and I can't replace it.  But I am only 30 something.  I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.  I want to love again.  
This one is hard to put into words why I feel guilt over it, because its a little of everything.  But this also has guilt because of my kids.  I don't want them to feel like I am or will ever try to replace their dad.  I worry about how they will handle things.  About if I'm going to scar them and send them to therapy for the next 20 years.

I knew guilt came with death, but I was never prepared for just how bad it really was.

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