After Tin Mn died everyone talked about how awful the "firsts" were. The first birthday. The first Christmas. The first anniversary.
Some even went as far as to say that once the "firsts" were over, everything got easier. Easier became something I looked forward to. Something I needed. I needed my life, and my emotions, to be easier again.
Let me tell you something. THEY LIED!
The first year wasn't easy, and to be honest, I don't remember a whole lot. Bits a pieces, some memories are blurred, and others are like looking through a fog.
That's because that's how most of the first year is. At the beginning you're on auto pilot. You're numb, have the attention span of a pea, and just doing normal routine because that's all you can do.
At some point the numbness wears off. In its place is this intense heart shattering pain. A pain that I had never felt before, and one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I think that pain will always be with me, but you learn to live with it, which numbs it some. Some days it hurts worse than others. Some days its just a small reminder lurking just out of reach.
Once we hit the 1 year mark of his death, I thought I was home free. Easier was supposed to happen. I was supposed to wake up and life would be easier. I mean that's what everyone suggested. That once we were over all the "firsts" everything would be fine.
Nope. I had to experience all those moments all over again. Only this time I felt each and every one of them.
It was like the firsts were just practice and now I was in the game. I have, and still am, going through all these "firsts" but now I get to feel the pain of him not being here for each and every one.
Not just feeling everything, but being alone. For the first year people were always there. Making sure we were ok on this date or that date. "Do you need anything?" Do ou and the kids want to spend the day here?"
That all stopped when we hit the 1 year mark of his death. We'd been through everything, so we didn't need anyone to try to take the focus away from what day it was.
So now not only are we going through all these moments and the pain, but we're also doing it alone.
As much as doing it alone makes the days harder, its something we needed. We need to deal with these emotions on our level, in our way. You can't do that when you have people there all the time. People are uncomfortable with sadness and crying. You learn this right away, so I did what I could to not cry around people. I'd save it for when they were gone. But there are those moments when its to strong to put off until later. So being alone and able to cry when I need to is a good thing.
This is just another reminder that the grieving process doesn't just stop, that its on going and will be something I will go through for the rest of my life.