Thursday, October 1, 2015

Danny Gokey Speaks To Me

Tell your heart to beat again

I saw Danny Gokey perform Tell Your Heart to Beat Again one day. about a year after Tin Man died.  I felt like he was reading my mind.  Then I remembered, he was.

On July 9, 2008, four weeks before he auditioned for American Idol, Gokey's wife died from complications during her third surgery to treat her congenital heart disease. The couple had been together for 12 years, and Gokey credited her for his success. - Wikipedia
Tin Man was born with a congenital heart defect called Transposition of the Great Arteries (TGA).  In January 2012 we celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary.  Just 2 months before his transplant and 3 months before he passed away.

That song helped me in so many ways.  Some one finally put what I was feeling into words, but was also telling me that it was ok for me to live and to be happy.  The first part of the song speaks volumes about anyone who has lost a spouse.

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
I am not who I used to be.  A huge part of me died when Tin Man did.  I had to search deep within me to put my heart back together and to begin to figure out who I was from that point on.  I still haven't completely figured it all out, but then again, who has?

Then last year I heard his song Hope in Front of Me.

I was in the process of getting ready to move and having to go through all of Tin Man's things and decide what we should get rid of and what to keep.  This ripped open a lot of wounds I thought were healed.

One day while taking the kids to school this song came on.  I had to pull over because I was crying so hard.  I'm pretty sure my kids thought I was having a nervous breakdown.

I went home to look up the song.  I listened to it over and over.  I thought I had made it out of the darkness, but having to get rid of Tin Man's things sucked me back in.  I was depressed and felt like I was falling farther back instead of making any progress forward.

I've been running through rain
That I thought would never end
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind
I've seen the dark and the broken places
But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I'll be alright

This song reminded me that no matter what I was feeling at that point, things would get better.  I just needed to work my way through the darkness towards the light.

Now.  A year and a few months later, I am good.  I still have things to work on, and certain things still bring on the tears, but I have way more good days that I used to.

Both of these songs can have so many meanings, but knowing that his story behind the pain in both the songs is so similar to mine, it brought the songs so much more meaning to me.

These are still 2 of the most played songs in my playlists, but now I listen to them to remind myself of how far I have come and how strong I really am.

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